Malum consilium quod mutari non potest
"It's a bad plan that can't be changed."Publilius Syrus
Note
This play was designed to be presented in chronological structure ranging from
the prologue to epilogue as written. However, this play may also be presented
in a non-linear and broken arrangement, much in the way of Julio Cortazar’s
Hopscotch. For a example, performing the scenes in a B, A, F, G, C, D, E, and
then ending with H telling might be rather amusing. But a chronological order
is intended and would be best. Multiple casting is not recommended, but understood.
Prayers were found at www.worldprayers.org. Songs and music to accompany this
play are as follows.
A Bullet for Fidel
Adam Ant
The Afghan Whigs
Alice Cooper
Alison Krauss
Asia
Audioslave
Briteny Spears
David Bowie
Depeche Mode
DJ Spookey
Dolly Parton
The Doors
Duran Duran
The Dropkick Murphys
Elvis Costello
Harry McClintock
The Hives
Hollywood Hate
The Hollies
Hoobastank
House of Pain
Jimi Hendrix
Jimmy Buffett
Jimmy Dean
Jimmy Eat World
John Cougar Melloncamp
John Melloncamp
The Jesus and Mary Chain
Magnapop
Mazzy Star
The Mavericks
Minor Threat
Michael Penn
Moby
The Murder City Devils
Oasis
Odessa Chen
Old 97’s
OMD
Orleans
Outfield
The Thompson Twins
… And They Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead
Three Finger Cowboy
Those Bastard Souls
Tom Waits
Toto
Tracey Chapman
Van Morrison
Vapor
Violet Indiana
The Vipers
Vocokesh
Vom
Vue
Prologue
(JOHNNY stands in front of a red curtain that shakes in the wind. The soft and
subtle sounds of police sirens can be heard in the distance, then fade away.)
JOHNNY
New Mexico. Every time I am here I wish I was home, and every time I am home
I wish I was here, and every time I am here I get into a fight, and drink, and
get wasted and get real, real gone and I get into a mess of trouble. New Mexico
is a dirty fuckin’ place squarely between Heaven and Hell. It’s
a third world country with plumbing. It’s a groovy spot to hide, but a
foul place to make a life. If I was a smarter man I would ask my wife, or whatever
the Hell she is now, to marry me and go back home and hide there. But I know
it would only end in divorce, and I don’t want to go down that path, the
way Mom and Dad did. The way my brother and his first wife did. And it’s
too late now, with all the trouble I’ve done. I came here looking for
a man named Johnson, and I stuck in place where it rains shit for six days of
the year. All I can find are ghosts that don’t care they are dead, and
can only come out the ground when it rains. Every minute I blow in my hotel
room, I get weaker and weaker. And every minute I blow in my hotel room, the
authorities get stronger and stronger. Every time I look around me, the walls
get tighter and creep in on me. Everyone gets what they want in New Mexico.
That is the only reason people come here anymore. But not me. I never get what
I want when I come here. I only get what I deserve. What you are about to see
has no texture. I don’t know what is real and true anymore. Stay calm.
And stay still. And most of you won’t be injured.
(JOHNNY pulls the red curtain away to reveal an empty stage. He then exits
via the audience, breaking the fourth wall. The empty stage is perhaps a loft
in Soho. Perhaps a warehouse in Houston. Perhaps a field in Iowa. Perhaps a
parking lot in Detroit. Perhaps a concert hall in Munich.)
(Silence.)
Scene A
(The empty stage represents the Hotel de Silencio. The sound of rain on a tin
roof can be heard. THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER, THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY,
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS, THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN, and THE GHOST OF SPIDER
MARKS all emerge from the ground. The five men are neatly dressed in clothing
that is not contemporary. Clothing they were buried in. The Ghost of Roberto
Jenkins has been captured by the others and is pinned to the ground. The Ghost
of Danny Orlovsky holds a shotgun to the throat of The Ghost Roberto Jenkins.
The sound of rain on a tin roof is ever present, and the occasional flash of
lightning can be seen in the distance. The Ghost of Albert Singer wears a distinctive
hat.) THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
The world proliferates in pussy of all size, shape, and flavor. And you get
cunt-struck by the wrong girl. Keep ‘im on the floor. And you have been
stealing from my bar.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
No. I promise…I haven’t…
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
(Interrupting) Specifically, I don’t give a good Goddamn. I got plenty
of cash, I honestly don’t give a shit, I honestly don’t care. Take
as much as you want. You want money, you want drinks, you want a cigarette lighter?
Spider, get this…what’s his name?
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
Roberto.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Roberto. What kind o’ name is that? Is that Wop?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
I believe so, Al.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Right. Wop. Give the wop a cigarette lighter, will you Spider?
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
I ain’t got one, Al.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Then that’s a lighter you owe him.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Al…
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
That’s Mr. Singer to you.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKIS
Mr. Singer, sir, I mean no harm with the money from the till. Honest.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
I’m certain you didn’t.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
There was just a few silver dollars. That’s all. I didn’t take no
real money.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
And that makes it right?
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
That ain’t what I’m sayin’.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Then what is you tryin’ to say, wop?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
What the Hell is his last name?
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
Jenkins.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Jenkins? That ain’t no wop name. How is it that your first name is wop,
and your last name is not a hint of?
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
My mother was Italian, Al.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Do I need to remind you what his name is, wop?
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
My mother was Italian, Mr. Singer.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Do I look like a man who cares? Let us focus on the matter at hand.
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
He was sayin’ it is just fine takin’ your money as long as it ain’t
paper money, Al.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
That is not what I was sayin’.
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
Well, I will be cock sucked, ‘cause it sure sounded like that was what
you were sayin’.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Be calm, Spider. You took the dollars.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
The silver dollars.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
The silver dollars and not the real dollars.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Silver dollars are real dollars.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
You don’t spend silver dollars. They’re like trophies.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
So, you stole my trophies.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
That is not what I am trying to say, Mr. Singer.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
This conversation is giving me frustration. You continue to talk, and I see
your mouth movin’, but you don’t seem to be saying anything tome.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
What I am trying to say…
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Yes…
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Is that…
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
You…
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
I…
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
I’m listening…
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Am sorry for taking…
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Stealing…
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Stealing your silver dollars, Mr. Singer.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Roberto, how long have you been at my hotel?
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
I can’t remember, Mr. Singer.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Neither can I. I keep seein’ your face every time it rains, but I can’t
recall how long you have been in residence at my establishment. Do you have
any fuckin’ clue how old this building is?
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
No, sir.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
I built this dwelling with my own two fuckin’ hands after the war in Korea.
Danny was there, weren’t you Danny?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
I surely was, Al.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
That is right. Danny was right next to me when all the GI’s came home.
And I will tell you I can remember the name of every single GI and cowboy, and
hayseed, and cocksucker that has strolled through my doors. Ain’t that
right, Danny?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
That’s correct, Al.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Yet, I cannot seem to remember when you first came to this place, Roberto. Why
is that?
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
It was a long time ago, sir.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Everything was a long time, Roberto.
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
You like being called Roberto, right? Not Robby, or Rob.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Does it really fuckin’ matter, Spider?
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
Just curious, that’s all.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Spider, go to the front desk and make yourself useful.
(THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS disappears.)
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Robby. Do you understand why you are on the floor as we speak?
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
‘Cause I took your money.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
No. No. I explained to you that money don’t matter to me. Silver dollars
are for children. They keep them amused. Robby, Roberto, why are you on my floor?
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Well…
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
You fucked my daughter, Robby. You fucked my sixteen-year-old daughter.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
No. I didn’t.
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
You tried to fuck Mr. Singer’s daughter.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
That is not the word I would use.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
“Fuck?” That is the word I am using. What is wrong with?
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
It’s…
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
Dirty. Filthy.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Exactly.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
I fucked my daughter’s mother. Nine months past and she was with us. Is
that dirty? Is that filthy?
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
No. You seem to be upset with me, sir.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Now, that is not the word I would use.
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
When I came upon you, when I caught you, you were on top of Mr. Singer’s
daughters with her shirt removed. You were running your Johnson over her neck
and yelling “MMMMMMMMM, TITTIES!”
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
I’ll shot him right now, Al. Just say the word.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Settle down, Danny. We aren’t savages. Yet.
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
“MMMMMMMMM, TITTIES”, Al. And five silver dollars were all lined
up on her dresser right next to Sally’s Teddy Roosevelt bear. The one
you gave her for her seventh birthday.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Rob. Robby…I am not, what was the vocabulary that he used?
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
Upset, Al.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Upset. I am not upset because some dick-weed took my silver dollars. I am angry
because that filthy fuck-bag tried to obtain mydaughter’svirginity. With
my coins.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Mr. Singer.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Am I wrong? Am I wrong, Robby? Now there is a right answer and a wrong answer
to this question.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Sir.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
How is it that I don’t remember your name, Roberto? I have a sneaking
suspecting feeling that you; you are an agent for my old friend, The Devil.
And you were sent to steal my daughter away from me.
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
He looks like a fire fucker to me, Al.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
He sure does.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Now, this is your chance to come clean. Do you work for The Devil, Roberto?
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
He said he’d give me things.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Oh, I’m gonna give you things. Better fuckin’ yet, I’m gonna
take things away from you. Can you read and write Robby?
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
What?
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
He said can you read and write.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Yes.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT JENKINS
Which hand?
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Please, sir. I’ll…
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
You’ll what? You’ll fuckin’ what? Apologize to me. Apologize
to my little girl? Go to the nearest florist and buy her chrysanthemums? Timmy,
what hand did Robby use to run his prick over my daughters neck.
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
Right hand, Al.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
No!
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Now, I want you to listen to me real careful like, Robby. I want you to take
your left wrist and put in your mouth, and bight down hard. This is gonna sting.
(THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS enters from the floor.)
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
Al, the new jukebox is here.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Spider, can’t you see we are in the middle of somethin’ here?
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
Al, you said to come fetch you when the jukebox got here.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
That I did. Good work, Spider. Bring it in.
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
How should I bring it in? It’s damn big.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
How big?
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
(Showing with his hands.) About this big, to this big.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Bring it in through the kitchen.
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
Does it have Elvis Costello songs on it?
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
I suppose.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
We’ll investigate the jukebox later. Git, Spider. We’ve got to remove
this bastard’s hand.
(THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS disappears.)
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
What do we need a jukebox for?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
You can never have too much music.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Al…
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Why are we talkin’? I told you to put your left wrist in your mouth and
bight down hard. Danny, do his right hand.
(THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY shoots The Ghost of Roberto Jenkins in the right
hand. His hand disappears.)
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Now you keep bitin’ and it won’t hurt so fuckin’much. And
you run back to your employer and tell him if he sends one more agent for my
daughter, I’ll go to Hell myself and give him a stiff ass-fuckin’.
Am I understood? AM I UNDERSTOOD?
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
(With his wrist in his mouth.) Mmmmmm.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Now get the fuck out of my hotel before I start takin’ this incident personally.
(THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS disappears.)
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Timmy, Tell me what you know about the kids in room 3B.
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
They’ve been fightin’ all morning long.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Is that a fact? What about?
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
The guy kissed another girl in the courtyard last night.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Who’d he kiss?
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
Maggie.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Maggie? What a fuckin’ sucker?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Let’s not talk about Maggie that way, Danny.
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
The guy was drunk.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
So were you. You didn’t kiss Maggie last night, did you?
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
No, Chief.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
And his wife is angered by this interaction with Maggie?
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
It sounds like it.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
It sounds like it, or she is?
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
Only what I can make out through the wall, Chief.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
You discovered why they are here?
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
The guy is lookin’ for a guy.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Someone dead, or someone walkin’?
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
Don’t know.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Find out. They had a body with them. Is it still in our care?
THE GHOST DANNY ORLOVSKY
The body of the young man they had in the back of their car is still in your
walk-in freezer.
THE GHOST OF ALBERTS INGER
Any plans on what to do with that corpse?
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
Nothing has been said.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
How did that body pass?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Gun shot wound to the stomach. Probably bled to death.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
What kind of bullet?
THE DANNY ORLOVSKY
Nine milli.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Cops?
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CAHN
Probably.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
What about the girl? What is her modus operandi?
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
Difficult to make out.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Women are always difficult to make out. Danny, I want you to go to their room
and politely invite them to breakfast.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
What time?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Tell them it is at their convenience. Have them meet me on my balcony. Timmy,
if you learn anything else about these two, inform me. Understood? And Danny,
tell my daughter I want to see her. Damn, I gotta piss.
(The three men disappear to the sounds of wind and rain and the whispers of
songs by Dolly Parton.)
(Perhaps The Doors.)
(Perhaps Duran Duran.)
(Perhaps The Dropkick Murphys.)
(Perhaps Depeche Mode.)
(Perhaps David Bowie.)
(Perhaps DJ Spookey.)
Scene B
(Room 3B. JOHNNY sits on the floor. He plays with a cigarette lighter. He has
a bloody nose. LYNN is in her underwear. She has bandages over her wrists.)
LYNN
You are an asshole, and you are an asshole, and you are an asshole!
JOHNNY
Have I ever hit you? Have I ever hit you? Answer me!
LYNN
You’re an asshole.
JOHNNY
I don’t hit you. You don’t hit me.
LYNN
You lead me out here, you lead me out here in your dirty little car, a car with
no radio, no muffler, no backseat, no air conditioning. Through the desert.
In summer. In August! And it’s raining, and it won’t stop raining,
it hasn’t stopped raining since we got here, and everything is turning
to mud and shit. And Rooster, poor Rooster! The way he died.
JOHNNY
I told Rooster he didn’t have to come, just the way I said you didn’t
have to come. And it only rains for a week out of the year in this part of New
Mexico. Of course it’s gonna get muddy. Would you put some cloth on?
LYNN
I’ll put my clothes on when I feel like putting my clothes on, and I sure
as Hell don’t feel like putting my clothes on right now!
JOHNNY
Don’t yell at me.
LYNN
Do you have a headache? I wonder why, Drinky-McDrink-Alot? You said we would
come out here and everything would be perfect. There’s nothing out here.
Nothing!
JOHNNY
Well, I was wrong. I was wrong and there is nothing we can do about it now.
LYNN
You suck.
JOHNNY
Please, tell me why. Tell me why I suck?
LYNN
Just shut up. Just shut your mouth.
JOHNNY
No. Please. I am sitting here on pins and needles waiting for your words of
wisdom to grace my ears. Tell me, why do I suck?
LYNN
I should have left you. I should have left you years ago. My mother told me
to leave you.
JOHNNY
Oh, did she?
LYNN
Yes. She did.
JOHNNY
What a surprise.
LYNN
She said you’d be drunk all the time.
JOHNNY
I am not drunk all the time.
LYNN
Really? You couldn’t tell last night.
JOHNNY
I didn’t intend to drink so much last night.
LYNN
Eight beers and you didn’t “intend” to get wasted.
JOHNNY
It wasn’t the beers that got to me. It was the shot of tequila that came
with each beer that got me. Now would you put a dress on so we can go downstairs
and get some eggs?
LYNN
Who in their right mind drinks white well tequila? Straight.
JOHNNY
I told you, It came with the…
LYNN
Tecate. I know, I know. You sound like a broken record. And, of course, that
makes it all better. Being the good gentleman that you are. The bar boy pours
you a drink, and you have to drink because you don’t want to hurt his
little feelings.
JOHNNY
I’ve never said that.
LYNN
You don’t have to. You didn’t say you French kissed a girl, an Asian
girl in a black dress. Directly in front of me. You don’t have to. I have
eyes.
JOHNNY
There wasn’t Asian girls. There was one girl, and I didn’t kiss
her. She kissed me. And it wasn’t an open mouth kiss. That’s somethin’
you have invented.
LYNN
Whatever.
JOHNNY
Don’t say whatever. What in God’s name does “whatever”
mean anyway?
LYNN
It means whatever. It means you’re a liar.
JOHNNY
Yeah. I should’ve guessed.
LYNN
You kissed her in front of me.
JOHNNY
I told you, I didn’t kiss her. She kissed me.
LYNN
But you wanted to kiss her. Admit it.
JOHNNY
If I wanted to kiss her, I would have kissed her.
LYNN
Would you have kissed her if we were married?
JOHNNY
You’re the one who don’t want to get married.
LYNN
That’s not what I asked. Would you have kissed her if we were married?
JOHNNY
I told you, I didn’t kiss her.
LYNN
She is what you fantasize about, isn’t she? A girl who is nothing like
me. With tan skin, and slanty eyes. Tight pussy and perfect feet. Do you think
about girls like that when you masturbate? When you masturbate in the shower
every morning while I’m still in bed. Do you think about girls like that
when we make love? Do you pretend I look like that when you are on top?
JOHNNY
No.
LYNN
I never cum when you are on top. I know you think I do, but I don’t. Do
you think you can make her cum if you were on top of her?
JOHNNY
You’re filthy. Your mind is filthy.
LYNN
Why don’t you try? Go ahead. I want you to. Go find her and fuck her and
be on top of her. And try to make her cum. I’ll watch. I’ll stand
in the corner and make certain you fuck her right. I think you two would make
an impressive couple. She likes the way you wore your cowboy hat last night.
I know. I heard her say it to the bar boy last night. She told the bar boy you
reminded her of a tall man she once meet many years ago. When she was a virgin.
He wore a white suit and called her “doll.” Go ahead. Fuck. Her.
See if you can make her cum. I bet you can.
JOHNNY
You know, I was wrong about you. I thought you were special. You are not. You’re
like every other girl out there. You make shit up in your head and pretend it’s
real.
LYNN
She said it all. I saw her lips move. I saw her laugh at your jokes all night
long. But not a real laugh. A fake laugh. To let you know she was amused. Admit
it. She did. She told the bar boy, a man in the white suit fucked her so hard,
she cried. I bet you could do that.
JOHNNY
It sounds to me like you had a discussion.
LYNN
We did. She asked me if I was your cousin. And wanted to know what room we were
staying in.
JOHNNY
I don’t believe a single word that has come out of your mouth.
LYNN
You’re going to look for her. Aren’t you? After the hangover has
passed.
JOHNNY
I never said anything like that.
LYNN
You don’t have to.
(A knock at the door is heard.)
LYNN
Well. There she is now.
(Silence.)
(Another knock is heard)
LYNN
Are you gonna answer the door? Or are you gonna lay there?
(Another knock at the door.)
LYNN
(Answering the door, she does not put on more clothing.) Coming.
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
Good morning, young Ms. How are you today?
LYNN
Splendid.
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
That is fine to hear. Mr. Singer, the proprietor of this establishment, has
invited you and your husband to breakfast. At your convenience.
LYNN
Me and my husband. Did you hear that dearest? We are invited to breakfast.
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
Today we will be featuring a cheddar green chili omelet with shitake mushrooms.
LYNN
That sounds lovely. Dearest, would you care for breakfast now?
JOHNNY
Sure. I could use some air.
LYNN
Yeah. I bet you could. Please tell, Mr. Singer is it?
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
Yes.
LYNN
Please tell Mr. Singer that my husband and I will be at breakfast in the next
fifteen minutes.
JOHNNY
Make it twenty.
LYNN
Twenty minutes.
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
Of course.
LYNN
Thank you.
(THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN disappears.)
LYNN
You need to take a shower.
JOHNNY
I’m fine.
LYNN
It wasn’t a question. You smell like her. Take a shower.
JOHNNY
I don’t smell like her.
LYNN
Yes. You do.
(The sound of rain and wind and police sirens is heard with the whispers of
an Audioslave song.)
(Perhaps A Bullet for Fidel.)
(Perhaps Adam Ant.)
(Perhaps Asia.)
(Perhaps The Afghan Whigs.)
(Perhaps Alice Cooper.)
(Perhaps Alison Krauss.)
Scene C
(A barn behind the hotel. THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER comes from the floor, with
her horse, Maguey. She is dressed in clothing that is not contemporary.)
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I wrote you a letter last night. Before I turned off the lights.
(Reading from a letter.)
Dearest Maguey,
Tonight was the best night I have ever had. There was music and singing and
dancing. The courtyard was jumping with good smelling guys from places like
Milwaukee and Bloomington and Austin on their way to the Pacific Ocean. I met
many divorced men who claimed they were ready to start dating again and felt
that I was a good person to start with. I met several Mexicans who were shocked
I am not Puerto Rican. It didn’t matter I let them all pretend I was whatever
they wanted me to be. In a five-hour span, from 8pm to 1am, I was asked on seven
dates. All of which I said yes to, all of which are at 7:30pm tonight in front
of the Coyote Café in Santa Fe. I was asked to have sex for money five
times last night, for $200, $ 300, $1000, $2,500, and $70 dollars respectively.
I was paid twenty dollar for kisses all night long by a man who claimed to be
the son of a Senator from Delaware. I put up with a lot of lies from grabby
boys, but it paid off. I’m $930 dollars richer. At this rate, I will buy
a new horse for you to play with in no time.
Love,
Sally
Ps
I saw a boy last night across the courtyard. He was kissing that slut, Maggie.
Before he kissed her, I thought he was delightful.
(THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY comes from the floor of the stage.)
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Sally.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Go away, Dan. I am reading to my horse.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Your father is calling you to breakfast.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
How is his bladder this morning?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Better than yesterday.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Is there still blood in his urine?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
A little.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Good.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Don’t say that about your father.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
What happened to Roberto?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
We dealt with him.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
We dealt with him, or did you deal with him?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
I did what your father told me to do.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You always do.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
How is Maguey today?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
The most beautiful horse in the desert. Always is. Always was. Always will be.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
You were talking to many boys last night.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Have you been watching me again, Dan?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
No.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Say yes. Just once say yes.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
I was watching you last night.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Were you watching me because Daddy told you to, or because you wanted to? Wait.
Don’t tell me. Don’t answer that question. You are my big bear,
aren’t you Danny?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
My sister used to call me big bear.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You are my big bear now.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Who were all those boys you was with last night?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Boys? Men. Living men passing by. Trying to get out of the rain and mud. It
doesn’t matter who they are or who they were. They are gone now. Gone
to see the ocean in Los Angeles. I fucked an Indian last night, Danny. I fucked
a wild Indian and his dusty horse right here in the barn.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Please don’t speak to me like that.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
If I told my father I fucked a wild Indian and his horse, do you think it would
make him angry?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
He wouldn’t believe you. I don’t believe you.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Of course you don’t believe me. You were watching me the whole night.
Even when I took off my cloths and went to sleep. After Timmy Chan took Roberto
away. Danny, do you watch me because my father pays you to? Or do you watch
me because you want to watch me?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
I watch you because I care.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You are my knight in sparkling armor, Dan Orlovsky.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Please do not speak to me like that.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Will you make breakfast for me, Danny?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
No. But I will fetch it for you.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I want eggs on English muffins.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Would you like rice or potatoes?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Danny, you know I don’t eat rice. Tell Daddy I will be there soon. I want
to say good-bye to my horse.
(THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY disappears. THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER kisses her horse on the nose.)
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
He loves me, don’t you think? You can see it in his eyes. He is the only
boy who looks me in the eyes. Not even my father looks me in the eyes when he
speaks to me. Good-bye, Maguey.
(The ghost of the horse sinks into the ground. The Ghost Of Sally Singer is
left alone. The sounds of rain and wind can be heard with the whispers of a
song by Magnapop.)
(Perhaps Mazzy Star.)
(Perhaps The Mavericks.)
(Perhaps Michael Penn.)
(Perhaps Moby.)
(Perhaps the Murder City Devils.)
(The Ghost of Sally Singer then disappears.)
Scene D
(The Ghost of Albert Singer’s’ balcony. THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER,
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER, JOHNNY, and LYNN sit at a table for breakfast. The
table is dressed with silver, crystal, and fine china. THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
stands behind The Ghost of Albert Singer. The sounds of rain can be heard in
the distance. Lightning can be seen occasionally. THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
plays the accordion, perhaps the banjo, something slow and pleasant.)
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
I dropped out of proper school when I was fifteen. Joined the Norwegian Navy.
I fancied being a Viking, you know, you know, rape and plunder and all that
enjoyable stuff.
JOHNNY
Where are you from?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Why do you ask?
JOHNNY
You have a twang in the back of your voice.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Daddy grew up in London.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
North London.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Grandfather was American. Daddy has duel citizenship. That gave him latitude.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
I did many things before making a life in the states.
LYNN
The Norwegian Navy wasn’t your speed?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
I got stuck in the galley with a coarse tempered Dutch cook. It wasn’t
for me. After that I joined the circus and spent a stint as a fire-breather,
bad stuff for my sex life, you constantly stink of burnt shits.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
And after that, daddy became an actor.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
I didn’t even intend that to happen. I was piss drunk, combing the streets
of London with an old pallie of mine, seeking out a place to piss that wasn’t
the road or a bush or a car tire, and we stumbled into a theatre that was holding
auditions. And when I was done doin’ my business a stagehand growled at
me “ you’re next.” And I thought what the Hell, I thought
it might be a kick and a good time to audition. The stagehand gave me a piece
of paper and I got on stage with all the lights in my eyes and I could hardly
see a word on the page.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Because you were drunk, Daddy.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
That, more than likely, had something to do with my lack of vision. And I just
read. I didn’t try. I was just myself. And I heard in the darkness “That
is the boy.” A nice feeling, really. Being wanted.
LYNN
Did you study acting?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
I’ve never even considered lessons and technique and all that Stanislavski
and Strasberg crap wasn’t for me. It just gives you an excuse to look
busy. The way I learned to act was watching women. Women are more honest then
men and that is what drama is all about. Drama is about private moments that
men never show. Men are emotional cripples. (Looking to the audience.) I don’t
act anymore. I don’t like the illusion of theatre. Women are emotionally
honest, men just don’t have that. I met Sally’s mother in the theatre.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You met mother in a strip club.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
A strip club is a theatre. Your mother was a performer.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
She wasn’t an honest performer.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
No. She wasn’t. She wasn’t honest on her stage. Those were good
times. Sally’s mother is a good time girl.
JOHNNY
Where is your wife?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
My wife? My wife don’t live here any more.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Where did you say you were from?
LYNN
Akron.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Akron?
THE GHOSY OF SALLY SINGER
That is in Ohio, Daddy.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
I’ve been to Ohio, Sally. Once. After the war. It wasn’t to my liking.
LYNN
Ohio isn’t to anyone’s liking.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Is that why you left, Johnny?
LYNN
We left because Johnny hates God.
JOHNNY
My girlfriend is exaggerating. We had taken all we could from Ohio. It was time
to leave.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
And the dead body you brought to us?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Father.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
I have the right to know.
JOHNNY
Rooster had an unfortunate mishap.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
With the authorities?
JOHNNY
That depends on who you imagine has authority.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Cocky. Aren’t we?
JOHNNY
No. Just a little hung over.
LYNN
We need to do something with Rooster.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
You’re correct. His dead body will start rotting and we will get mice.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You said you put him in the walk-in freezer.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
He can’t stay there.
JOHNNY
We need to bury him.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Shouldn’t you take him to a morgue?
JOHNNY
There will be no morgue. We need to bury him and split.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You are moving on? So soon? But you just arrived.
JOHNNY
I have business to attend to.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Where do you have business?
LYNN
Any place away far from Ohio.
JOHNNY
Any place away from here.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Please don’t say that.
LYNN
How long have you owned this hotel, Mr. Singer?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
I built it. With Danny and Timmy. After the war.
JOHNNY
Which war?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
The Korean conflict. We brought Timmy back with us. Although he is technically
a China Man.
JOHNNY
Korea? You look young to have served in Korea.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
I’m older than I appear.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
My father is lying to you.
JOHNNY
Fathers do that. My father was in Korea.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Was he a fighter?
JOHNNY
Not in Korea.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
A medic?
JOHNNY
My father was a chaplain. He gave all the dead kids last rites. At least that
is what I was told.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Are you close to your father Johnny?
JOHNNY
No.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You and I have something in common.
LYNN
Is it just this hotel in this area?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
What did you do in Ohio, Sport?
JOHNNY
I made tires. But those times are dead now.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
If you’re looking for a job, perchance I can provide you with temporary
employment.
JOHNNY
We have to keep going west. I don’t mean to be rude, that is not my intention,
but how much longer can you stay here?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
I don’t understand. Explain your question.
JOHNNY
Your hotel. This place. Wasn’t this area quarantined?
THE GHOST OF ALBERTS SINGER
Why would anybody want to do that?
JOHNNY
Hanta virus. Wasn’t this area infected with Hanta virus?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
That was years ago. This is my Camelot, and no virus can make me leave.
LYNN
What’s hanta virus?
JOHNNY
It’s contracted by mouse shit. Deer mice in particular. Correct?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Deer mice only come out in the raining season.
JOHNNY
It’s raining.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
All the deer mice in these parts died years ago.
JOHNNY
Didn’t the government burn down an entire town in these parts because
of Hanta virus?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
That is a fictional town you are talking about, Sport.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
The government didn’t burn the town. It was the Christians. When the virus
slammed through here, it killed people quick. Lightning quick. We couldn’t
get enough cats to kill all the deer mice. And the Christians thought it was
a Devil’s curse. This was before AIDS.
JOHNNY
My old man wrote me a letter. He was out here when it all went down. He told
me Hanta virus originated in Korea.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Does it matter?
JOHNNY
No. Not really. But how long can you stay here?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
This is our home. We will not leave.
JOHNNY
But there’s no water.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
It’s raining.
JOHNNY
There is little water. And there is nothing around for miles.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
This is our home. This has been my family’s home for decades upon decades.
JOHNNY
Nothing can grow out here. I’m surprised you can live.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
We lost in Korea and had to leave. We don’t leave here. This is our home
now. Did you enjoy the party last night?
JOHNNY
You could call it a good time.
LYNN
For some it was a good time.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
You didn’t enjoy yourself, Miss?
LYNN
Your establishment lacks my class of people.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
And who would your class of people be?
LYNN
People who tell the truth.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
The truth is subjective. You won’t find them folk here.
JOHNNY
Mr. Singer, this may not be the appropriate time, but we need to bury our man,
Rooster.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGERS
Consider yourself our allies. And we always respect the dead of our allies.
Spider, stop your playing.
(THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS stops playing his musical instrument.)
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Tell The Bible Puncher we need to perform another funeral.
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
He’s already performing one today.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Then tell him we will need him tonight. Go.
(THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS disappears.)
LYNN
That is very kind of you.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
This will of course mean that you shall be staying another night.
JOHNNY
I don’t think so. We will bury Rooster, then we will be gone.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Why? You just got here.
JOHNNY
We have ground to cover.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
That is a shame. We get so few visitors here. So few visitors like you, Johnny.
LYNN
Whatever.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
What are you running from?
JOHNNY
Who said I am running?
LYNN
Who said we are running?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
You show up on my door with a dead man, and drink all my liquor in less than
a night. What is it that I can do for you?
JOHNNY
I’m lookin’ for a guy.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Is he dead or is he alive?
JOHNNY
Does it matter?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Conceivably. Who is this guy?
JOHNNY
About my height. My build. My size. I’m guessin’. If he has hair
left, it should look like mine.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
A relative of yours?
JOHNNY
That is what I have been told. The last sighting of him was in New Mexico. In
these parts.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
New Mexico is a big place. Bigger than Texas, if you flattened the mountains.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
When was this “guy” last seen in these parts?
JOHNNY
I really couldn’t tell you.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Johnny, stay the night. In a storm like this, it is dangerous to travel, if
you blow a tire you could drown in the rain.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I am certain Johnny knows how to fix a flat tire, Daddy.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
That Asian girl you met last night at the party. The one you kissed…
JOHNNY
I didn’t kiss her. She kissed me.
LYNN
So we have heard.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Do you like that girl?
JOHNNY
Not really.
LYNN
Whatever.
JOHNNY
Don’t. Not here. Not now.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
You can have her if you want. Or, I can make her disappear.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You really can’t make Maggie disappear, Daddy.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
I can ask her to disappear. Is that a vocabulary satisfying to your ears, Sally?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I’d like a glass of coffee, Danny.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
You are not allowed to drink coffee anymore. It makes you hyperactive.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Is that your way of saying coffee makes me want to fuck, Daddy? Danny, would
you please bring me a cup of decaffeinated coffee? Sanka, I believe it is called.
(THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY disappears.)
LYNN
Does he always stand that close to you?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
That’s what I pay him for. I was in Ohio one time, and I was terribly,
terribly drunk and drifting from town to town in the middle of the night driving
a shiny new blood red Pontiac. And I remember thinking every single town in
Ohio was the fuckin’ same. Dayton, Akron, Columbus. The whole state was
identical from Pennsylvania to Indiana. When I hit Akron, it reminded me of
Italy during the war with the Nazis. With all the black smoke rising from the
buildings. I sure as shit don’t blame you for evacuating.
JOHNNY
I thought you said you fought in Korea.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Yeah. That was the second war I fought in. That is where I met Danny. I was
his boss. I’ve killed men in Africa, and Italy, and Germany, and Korea.
Doing the good killing.
JOHNNY
You look surprisingly young to have fought in World War II.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
I told you before, when you said that. I take fine care of myself.
LYNN
You killed people in that war.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Some. I rode motorcycles for a scout team. We road in front of Patton’s
tank units hunting for landmines and delivering communications of what the terrain
looked like so the General would know where to shoot and drive and kill little
Nazi boys.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
So you could murder Nazi boys.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
And if we didn’t, we wouldn’t be eating our omelets today.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
That still doesn’t make it right, Daddy. Johnny, have you ever murdered
some one?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
That is not polite to ask, Sally.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Are you trying to tell me you aren’t the least bit curious, Daddy? Have
you ever murdered a man, Johnny?
JOHNNY
No. I’ve never murdered a man before.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Have you ever killed a man, Johnny?
LYNN
What is the difference?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Murder is planned. Killing just happens.
LYNN
Why do you want to know?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Because. I want to learn every thing about Johnny.
JOHNNY
I had a run-in with a man one time.
LYNN
Technically it was manslaughter.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Did you go to the slammer?
LYNN
He was never convicted.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
What did the man do? Tell me.
JOHNNY
I don’t think I have to.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
But I want to know. Why did you kill the man?
LYNN
The man in question tried to have intercourse with me.
JOHNNY
Lynn.
LYNN
He tried to have intercourse with me. In the bathroom of a 7-11.
JOHNNY
He tried to rape her in the bathroom of a 7-11. Is that what you wanted to know,
Sally?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
And that is why you had to kill him?
JOHNNY
I didn’t have to kill him.
LYNN
Manslaughter.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
I am impressed. You have impressed me. Good work, Killer. You don’t seem
like the type to kill.
JOHNNY
Neither do you. But you have.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
(For the first time in the scene, she looks at Lynn.) Your name is Lynn. Is
that your real name, or did you change it?
LYNN
Lynn is my real name, and thank you for acknowledging my presence, Sally.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I think Lynn is a beautiful name. I’m saving my money to buy a new horse.
Would you be upset I call it Lynn?
LYNN
That would be nice.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I like your man, Lynn. You make a fine couple. How did you two meet? Was it
romance at first sight?
LYNN
Not exactly. I was looking for a roommate. I placed an ad in the newspaper,
the Akron Bugle. John came to my house.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
John? I was led to believe your name is Johnny.
JOHNNY
It sort of is.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Sort of?
LYNN
Sort of. Johnny, answered my ad. Along with a dozen other sad sacks and truck
drivers, and bastards, and clowns. But Johnny didn’t say a word to me.
I saw him get off the bus across the street, and I saw him walking up my driveway.
He looked all fuzzy through the
screen door. But I knew he was the right one. He didn’t say a word, I
just showed him the house. And he kissed me in the kitchen.
JOHNNY
I don’t remember that.
LYNN
Of course you don’t.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Aggressive little bastard, aren’t you.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
And you liked it Lynn, didn’t you?
JOHNNY
That isn’t how it happened.
LYNN
No. No, I guess it isn’t how it happened. But I like to pretend that is
the way it happened.
(THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY has returned with a glass of coffee for The Ghost
Sally Singer, with a white napkin. Sally drinks the coffee, then spits the liquid
upon the white napkin.)
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
This is fucking Sanka? We serve this at our hotel? This is why I have no friends,
Daddy. This is what the morning after pill must taste like. Holy Mother Fucker!
Danny, get me a glass of vodka. Now!
(THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY disappears.)
THE GHOST OF ALBERTS SINGER
Calm down. Killer, if the man you are looking for is dead, and I’ll bet
dollars to donuts he is, he’ll be in that graveyard to the east. That
is where we will bury your buddy. There ain’t many headstones no more,
but there’s enough to give you an idea on who is dead and who is not.
Talk to the preacher there. He can help. Stay another night. I would be a bad
host if you didn’t. JOHNNY
Tell me to go. Tell me to go, then I’ll stay.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Get the fuck out of here, kid.
JOHNNY
I want to hear your daughter say “get the fuck out of here.”
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Don’t open your mouth, Sally.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Get out of here.
JOHNNY
No. I want her to say get the fuck out of here.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Are you tryin’ to get your teeth kicked out, Killer?
JOHNNY
I just want to hear her say it.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Get the fuck out of here, Johnny.
JOHNNY
I think I’ll stay.
LYNN
You think we will stay.
JOHNNY
I think we will stay. One more night. But I insist we pay double. For our room.
And this breakfast. And Rooster’s burial. Am I understood?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Make it triple.
JOHNNY
No. Just double. Or we walk.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Double then.
JOHNNY
You like to talk about yourself, don’t you, Mr. Singer?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
My father likes to lie about himself.
JOHNNY
Is that what all of this? This breakfast? One big ass lie?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
No. This breakfast is real.
JOHNNY
And your fancy stories?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Some of those are real. Some of those stories are real. You decide which ones
you like, and which ones you think are invented. What isyour last name, Johnny?
JOHNNY
I don’t tell people my last name.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Why not?
JOHNNY
It’s not in my best interest.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
You are a bullshit artist. You and I are gonna do just fine, Killer.
JOHNNY
No. We’re not.
(The sounds of rain and wind and police sirens can be heard along with the whispers
of a song from Old 97’s.)
(Perhaps OMD.)
(Perhaps Outfield.)
(Perhaps Orleans.)
(Perhaps Oasis.)
(Perhaps Odessa Chen.)
Scene E
(A graveyard on a hill overlooking The Hotel Silencio. THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE
PUNCHER/OLD MAN comes from the ground with THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS by his
side, shielding the preacher with an umbrella. The two men stand over an empty
grave.)
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
(Reading from a bible.)
Our Father who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth,
as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those
who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil:
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power, and the glory,
forever and ever.
Amen.
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
Amen.
(JOHNNY enters.)
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Would you care to say a word?
JOHNNY
I didn’t know him.
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
Her. It was a her. She was found frozen in a river.
JOHNNY
I didn’t realize that could happen out here in the summer.
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
She tried to fish a bird out, what kind o’ bird was that?
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
A blue heron.
THE GHOST OF SIDPER MARKS
She was fishin’ the body of blue heron from the river, it’s really
more like creek than river, but she was fishin’ the body of a blue heron
from the river and it appears if though her ankle sunk into the sand.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
When night came she turned cold and blue.
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
The question is, did she have a chance.
JOHNNY
Where is her family?
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
She ain’t got none. Planted her younger brother on the other side of that
sycamore tree last summer.
JOHNNY
Sycamore trees? I didn’t notice those. I didn’t realize they could
grow in the desert. How did he pass, her brother?
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Hung himself. Hung himself with his suspenders from the goal post at the high
school football field down that road a good twenty five miles. Her middle brother
immigrated to Cuba a few years back to fix automobiles.
JOHNNY
The other brother. Why did he commit suicide?
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Shit. I hate usin’ that word. He took his life ‘cause he lost his
job.
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
Got released and his job was taken by the governor’s cousin. Highly suspicious
if you ask me.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Nobody is askin’ Spider. This girl moved back after her brother passed.
Was livin’ out in New York City, workin’ as a sand dog in the subway
tunnels.
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
Dangerous work, for a lady.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Be still, Spider. This girl came back to take care of her brothers’ dogs.
JOHNNY
What will happen to the dogs now?
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
I’ll be talkin’ to the owner of this hotel to take ‘em in.
Probably won’t. So they’ll run loose until they find themselves
a new abode to call home. Or, until they starve.
JOHNNY
No friends to take of her animals?
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Her middle brother was a bad piece of business. Had a child out of wedlock,
was a drunk driver, had bad debts he didn’t repay. Many folk blamed her
for her brothers’ actions.
The dogs will run loose until they find others to care for them. Be a good man
and help Spider cover this young lady.
(JOHNNY and THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS cover the grave with earth.)
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
You are lookin’ for a grave, ain’t you Johnny?
JOHNNY
What makes you think my name is Johnny?
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
I’m not a dumb fucker, that’s why.
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
Word gets around when new people come.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Be quiet. Spider. Heard you kissed Maggie.
JOHNNY
I didn’t kiss her, she kissed me.
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
Yup. That is how it starts.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Maggie’s a fine kisser. Not too much tongue. Not too much in the way of
lip. She has her technique down cold. She is most certainly one of God’s
creatures.
JOHNNY
You’ve kissed her?
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
She kissed me.
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
Who ain’t kissed her?
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Spider, that’s a warning. So, you are lookin’ for a grave.
JOHNNY
Maybe.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Maybe? Well. I know all these graves by heart. I dug many of them myself.
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
Most of these bodies kissed Maggie.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Maggie is a good girl, Spider. Don’t make me say it twice.
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
Yes, sir.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Maggie’s’ folks are over there. They came from…which country
did they come from?
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
The Vietnam.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Really? I thought it was China?
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
I think her heritage comes from China. But they came from The Vietnam. And The
Vietnam people don’t care for the China folk. That iswhy Maggie don’t
eat chink food.
JOHNNY
You do know that the country is called Vietnam. Not The Vietnam.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
It’s best not to confuse him. You are correct, Spider. Maggie’s
family came from “The” Vietnam. Came here to open a flower shop.
They got killed in a car crash, and now Maggie stays with Mr. Singer.
THE GHSOT OF SPIDER MARKS
Wasn’t you lookin’ for a grave?
JOHNNY
Maybe.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
That is right. Maybe. Talk to who ever you want. Or come back later when me
and Spider are done. I don’t make the rules. What’s his name?
JOHNNY
What makes you think I am looking for a man?
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Because. I can smell it on you like cheap whiskey. Please. Tell me. What is
his name?
JOHNNY
I don’t know anymore.
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
Never heard of no one named that.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Shut your mouth, Spider.
JOHNNY
If he is here, he might look a lot like me. You said you buried all these people.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
I said I buried most of them.
JOHNNY
So, you’ve been doing this long.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
I don’t know anymore. What year is it?
JOHNNY
May I ask you a personal questions?
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Certainly.
JOHNNY
What did you do before you were putting people in the ground?
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Spider, what did I do before I was a bible puncher?
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
Well, you was a son-of-a-bitch.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Be still, Spider. I worked at a radio station. Where’d I work at, Spider?
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
Tulsa.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Yeah. Tulsa. I question if Tulsa was a town ready for me.
JOHNNY
I would question if Tulsa is ready for much.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Yes. You could say that. Got myself into trouble. Doin’ pills and actin’
like I knew more than I knew. Not eatin’ much. Not doin’ much to
keep my bones together. Decided to boost a Ford and drive to the South Pole
one day. Ran out of gas at the Taco Bell down the road.
JOHNNY
There is no Taco Bell down the road.
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
There was one.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
I’m tryin’ to talk here, Spider. When I hit the Taco Bell and came
upon the realization that I had in fact ran out of gasoline, I took my frustrations
out on said Taco Bell.
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
He burned it to the ground. I’ll be quiet now.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
I woke up the next morning in the county lock up, bangin’ on bars and
raisin’ Cain. Local fish wrap wrote I butchered a hole in the wall of
a hotel with a fire hatchet because I wanted a room to sleep in.
JOHNNY
This hotel?
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
You are a quick one, Johnny. The Sheriff, when he was still alive, broke me
out of jail and tossed my pills at me and my shoes and my wallet. Told me he
found me barking at the stars in that sycamore tree. Told me there was nothin’
he could do for me. Told me to get the Hell out of jail before The Devil came
for me. He took me out into the street, in front of God and everybody, and punched
me clean in the stomach. Didn’t he Spider?
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
Punched you clean in the stomach.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Spider has heard this story many times. What did he do next, Spider?
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
Who?
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
The sheriff. What did he do next?
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
He whispered in your ear.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
And what did he say?
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
He told you he would shoot you dead if he ever found you in his jailhouse again.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
And I crawled back to this hotel, and took a good look at the hole I butchered
in the wall, and flushed all my pills and all my ills down the head, and begged
The Lord in Heaven for forgiveness. And the S.O.B. has never given to it me.
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
I bet The Lord will some day.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Be still, Spider.
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
I just think he will, that’s all.
JOHNNY
Should we put grass over this grave?
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
It won’t grow.
JOHNNY
I’m looking for a man named Johnson.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
I’d guess we have about twelve bodies in this yard by the tag of Johnson.
JOHNNY
So you think I am wasting my time?
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
It matters how much time you got on your hands.
JOHNNY
Not much.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Spider, you go on back. I’m gonna stay with our new friend. Looking for
his body.
THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS
I’ll help.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
I said git.
(THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS fades away.)
JOHNNY
I knew it was you. It knew it was you as soon as I laid eyes on your face. I
wanted to get out here earlier. Woke up late, feelin’ a touch nasty.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
You don’t look that bad to me.
JOHNNY
How would you know?
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
It’s been a while, hasn’t it?
JOHNNY
It’s been thirty years. I meant to get out here as soon as I came, but
I got a girl with me and, and a dead body and we needed to store him first.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
I heard you were here. I didn’t know it was you, but I knew it was you.
And I knew you would come find me. Who’s the body?
JOHNNY
Your nephew. Rooster.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Jill’s kid? What happened?
JOHNNY
Don’t act like you care.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Don’t take that tone with me. Last night, I started buildin’ designs
to take you out fishin’.
JOHNNY
Where? There ain’t no water out here. Just dead fuckin’ people and
ghosts.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
I don’t know where I was gonna take you. It was just a thought. I lost
all my good flies when I relocated out west. The only bait I could find was
two ounces of old shrimp in the hotel kitchen. I was gonna boil some water and
loosin’ ‘em up. Still can?
JOHNNY
Don’t.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
You still got that scar across your belly?
JOHNNY
Yes.
(JOHNNY lifts his shirt to reveal a scar across his gut.)
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Well I feel bad about that.
JOHNNY
Don’t. I’m the one who did it to myself. I remember that day very
well. One of the only memories I have of you. You were drunk, and we were fishing.
And you drove the boat right over a little girl. Swimming. You got too close
to the shore. To hear the sound of that girls head hittin’ the side of
the boat. That was something else.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
That girl didn’t die.
JOHNNY
She should have. And for some reason I felt like that was my fault. I felt like
that whole mess was my fault, even though you were driving the boat. So I took
your biggest fishhook and ripped myself. You see this? This isn’t my fault.
It is your fault.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
I’ve never understood why you did that.
JOHNNY
Neither have I. Neither have fuckin’ I.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Are you blaming my drinking on that affair?
JOHNNY
No. I am blaming you.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
You were drinking last night.
JOHNNY
Yes I was.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
What were you drinking?
JOHNNY
Beer.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Beer? What is your brand?
JOHNNY
Tecate.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Good for you. It is important to me that my boy didn’t grow up to be a
pussy.
JOHNNY
Don’t call me your boy.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Well, what am I supposed to call you?
JOHNNY
Call me anything you want, but don’t call me your boy. I don’t even
know what to call you.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Call me Dad.
JOHNNY
No. No you don’t get to be called that.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Fine. Heard you had breakfast with Albert Singer, John.
JOHNNY
Don’t call me John. Just don’t call me anything.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Yeah. You got a girl with you?
JOHNNY
Currently.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
She your wife?
JOHNNY
No. My wife ain’t with me no more.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
I’m sorry to hear that.
JOHNNY
It’s for the best. She left me for a shoe salesman.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
That ain’t good.
JOHNNY
Good for her. She likes shoes. It didn’t really hurt. We were only married
for a week.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Who is the girl you got with you now?
JOHNNY
Long time on again/off again girlfriend.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Is she whistle bait?
JOHNNY
She is not difficult on the eyes.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Good for you. You treat her good?
JOHNNY
As good as I can. Better than you treated your women.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
I deserve that. I suppose. You always were a sucker for women. This girl have
her own money, or is she riding your coattails?
JOHNNY
Neither. Listen. I can’t stay long.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
What’s be the matter? You on the run?
JOHNNY
You could say that.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Nice. This have something to do with Rooster.
JOHNNY
Yeah.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Are you twisting my melon? Did you kill your own cousin?
JOHNNY
I didn’t kill anybody. I’m wanted for “questioning.”
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
What did you do?
JOHNNY
What makes you think I did something?
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
The authorities only question people they want in jail. What did you do?
JOHNNY
I’m thrilled you are taking an interest in my life.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Don’t get smart with me. I was around when I needed to be around.
JOHNNY
I’m wanted for arson.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
What did you burn?
JOHNNY
A church.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
FAN-FUCKIN’-TASTIC! Where?
JOHNNY
The first was in Akron.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
The first? Dare I ask how many churches you have torched?
JOHNNY
Seven. All between New Mexico and Akron.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Where there people inside these churches?
JOHNNY
No. I did all of them at night.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Has there been anyone hurt in all this?
JOHNNY
Not to my knowledge.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
At least there is a positive to all this. That might save your bacon in the
end.
JOHNNY
They ain’t catchin’ me.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
That’s what they all say. Right before they get caught or gunned down.
Does your girl know about all this?
JOHNNY
I am certain.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
You can’t stay here.
JOHNNY
I don’t intend to stay here.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Where are you going?
JOHNNY
Boulder. To be with 27.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Your brother is in Boulder?
JOHNNY
Been there since you left.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
I can’t believe that jackass brother of yours changed his name to a number.
JOHNNY
Half brother. He’s thirty years older then me. And if you were on Nixon’s
enemies list, you would change your name from Raul to the number you was given
on that list.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Is your brother still working for Rolling Stone Magazine?
JOHNNY
I think. He’s got himself a new wife, and spends most of his time on his
ranch writing for ESPN.com now.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLEPUNCHER/OLD MAN
You can’t stay in Boulder. Aren’t the Feds after you?
JOHNNY
I’m sort of making this up as I go along.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
You’ve got no strategy?
JOHNNY
Not really.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
You ain’t gonna win the Super Bowl with no strategy, John.
JOHNNY
It goes a little deeper than that. I burned down a church in Indiana, in the
heart of Bloomington. The fire took a few houses too.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
And? Tell it all.
JOHNNY
Don’t talk to me like that. I burned one in Illinois, Missouri, two in
Oklahoma. And that big fuckin’ church just east of Amarillo. That’s
where Rooster got shot. He got shot by a reverend and bled to death in my car.
He has been driving the car in all these burnings.
And I lied to you. Lynn does know about all this. She watches me do it. She
doesn’t help, she just watches me.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Why?
JOHNNY
She says it makes her feel alive.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
And now Rooster is dead.
JOHNNY
Yeah. And it is my fault. All of it is my fault.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Well, every one wanted to burn that big fuckin’ church east of Amarillo.
But I still have to be honest with you, I am a touch surprised. I question if
I can form words. Are you gonna burn anything whilst you are in New Mexico?
JOHNNY
No. Plan. Yet.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
That’s the best thing I have heard you utter. This is fan-fucking-tastic.
Is there anything else I need to be informed of?
JOHNNY
I kissed an Asian gal in front of my girl last night.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Yeah. I saw. I was there. You already told me. Fuck.
JOHNNY
I didn’t really kiss her…
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
She kissed you. The Texas authorities catch your ass they will light a bonfire,
and roast you like a chicken. You want to notify me as to why you are takin’
down houses of God, John?
JOHNNY
Because I am right and everyone else is wrong.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
About God?
JOHNNY
About everything.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
You haven’t changed. You still believe?
JOHNNY
I don’t know anymore.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
You an atheist now, aren’t you boy?
JOHNNY
Basically. Gettin’ there. Basically.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
And if you don’t believe, you don’t want no one else believing.
JOHNNY
In the book of Mathew Jesus condemns a fig tree to death because it has no fruit.
Jesus tells people to reject their family for him. Sounds like a sick screw
if you ask me. Why would a God make people so imperfect and blame them all for
being imperfect, and send his only son to die for how imperfect they all are.
Where’s my God. This ain’t my God. The bible is a God damn joke.
You burned down a Taco Bell. I burn down churches. I guess it runs in the family.
Don’t it, Old Man? When I burn churches, I feel innocent.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Do you have any idea what they are gonna do to you in Oklahoma? They are gonna
have parties and ho-downs when they cut you in half.
JOHNNY
Right, right. Aren’t you in the least bit glad to see me? Say something.
Say something real.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Yeah. It is nice to see you, John. Under the circumstances. What the Hell kind
of question is that. Of course. I’m glad. What are you doing here, John.
JOHNNY
You shouldn’t have to ask. You should know.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
John, I got enough women in my life. I don’t need another. Say what is
on your mind, or don’t say it. If you are running, why have you stopped?
JOHNNY
We need to bury Rooster. And I thought I would find you here. I want to say
good-bye to you. When you left, you were just gone.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
You gonna say good-bye to your brother?
JOHNNY
I don’t know what I’m gonna say to 27.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
What about your mother?
JOHNNY
When did you start caring about her?
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
That is a broken bone. That is a broken bone, John.
JOHNNY
Fuck you. I didn’t mean that.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Yeah you did.
JOHNNY
Mom was last seen in California.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
What town?
JOHNNY
She was in LA for sometime. Last I heard she was running a karaoke-whorehouse
in Malibu. Right next to the ocean. Actually, I think it might be some kind
of church.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
That doesn’t sound like your mother. You gonna burn that down too?
JOHNNY
From what I have heard, mom has done some changing. And I haven’t decided
if I’m gonna burn down her whorehouse. It’s called the Big Malibu.
I thought you might like that.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Yeah. That does have style. What makes you think she is a madam?
JOHNNY
I knew a kid who got his cock sucked there.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
When did you hear this?
JOHNNY
About fifteen, twenty minutes before I burned my first church. There came a
point in my life that I thought I was comfortable with hating myself. I hate
myself, and I was fine with that. But not anymore.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
I’m glad to hear that.
JOHNNY
I’ve heard that the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka is offering ten
grand for my head.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Who are they?
JOHNNY
Those are the folks that started the “God Hates Fags” campaign.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Never heard of it. You gonna burn down a bucket of churches until God gives
up?
JOHNNY
That is part of it.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Never announce your plans, John. It’s a sure fire way to get The Devil
laughing.
JOHNNY
Pop. Why are you all here. At this place.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Where else would we be?
JOHNNY
Heaven?
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
The individuals here are too bad to go to Heaven. And too good to go Hell. The
rain is getting lighter. All of us will have to go back to the ground soon.
I would like to buy you a beer. We have never had a beer together. Will you
give me that?
JOHNNY
One beer. And then I want you to go away.
(The sounds of wind and rain and police sirens can be heard. The whispers of
a song by Tom Waits can be heard.)
(Perhaps Toto.)
(Perhaps The Thompson Twins.)
(Perhaps Tracey Chapman.)
(Perhaps… And They Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead.)
(Perhaps Three Finger Cowboy.)
(Perhaps Those Bastard Souls.)
Scene F
(LYNN and THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER at the barn.)
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
She is here. Somewhere. Be patient. She will come to us soon. Just like you
and Johnny did. Do you like it here?
LYNN
It’s a adequate place to spend the night.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Do we make you happy?
LYNN
You seem kind.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You are angry with your boy toy aren’t you?
LYNN
Boy toy? Boy toy. What makes you think I am angry with Johnny?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
The way you held your body at breakfast.
LYNN
Sometimes things are tricky with Johnny. Sometimes things are better. How old
are you, Sally?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
What year is it?
LYNN
You don’t know what year it is?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I have an adequate idea. I know it is past 1999. But after that, everything
gets opaque and grey. I like that word opaque. It’s fun to say. Opaque.
We don’t want to talk about this. I want to talk about Johnny. Johnny
kissed another girl last night.
LYNN
She was the singer for the band.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
How does that make you feel?
LYNN
How would it make you feel if a your man kissed another?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I don’t have a steady boyfriend. But I am confident it would me make cry.
LYNN
You are right. Watching your man kiss another makes you want to cry. Why don’t
you have a steady boyfriend?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Do you think I should have one?
LYNN
You’re young and pretty.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I just haven’t found the right guy yet. I think you are pretty too. If
your boyfriend is here looking for someone, what are you doing here?
LYNN
I had to get out of Ohio.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You don’t like it there?
LYNN
No.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Then it is good you left. You should be happy. The only thing boys want to do
is drink and screw. Don’t you agree?
LYNN
That is the only thing the guys in Ohio want to do.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Last night a boy offered me five dollars to masturbate on my stomach. How boring.
He didn’t even want to talk. He just wanted to jerk off. I’m not
a whore. I made him pay twenty. You want a drink?
LYNN
Isn’t it a little early?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
My drinking has no clock.
(THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER produces a flask)
LYNN
What do you have?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
It’s rum. My father has it imported from Puerto Rico once a year. I keep
it behind Maguey’s salt lick.
LYNN
It’s sour.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
How is rum supposed to taste?
LYNN
Sweet.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I like it.
LYNN
You drink that straight?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
How else would I drink it?
LYNN
With Coke or fruit juice.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Oh, I don’t care for those things. I just like the burn you get in the
back of your throat.
LYNN
Sally, do men really pay you for sex?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Every night.
LYNN
And you do it?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Sometimes. It depends.
LYNN
On what?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
It depends on the boy. It depends on my mood. It depends on how horny I am.
Why? Doesn’t Johnny pay you for sex?
LYNN
Not in a long time.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
But he did?
LYNN
Once.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Was it wonderful?
LYNN
Yes.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Why?
LYNN
Because he was paying attention to me.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
And you like that?
LYNN
It was gratifying.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I agree. I agree very much. What did he do to you? When he paid you for sex?
LYNN
Really?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Tell me. It will be our secret.
LYNN
He forced me to dress like a catholic school-girl.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I don’t know why boys like that so much. What else?
LYNN
He tied me to a chair with a telephone cord and cut off my clothes with sewing
scissors.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Tell me more.
LYNN
No.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Please. I won’t tell.
LYNN
I was very scared. I was very scared. Johnny has issues with religion and I
was afraid of what he might do. I was afraid he was going tohurt me.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Did he?
LYNN
No. He was very soft with me.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Then why were you scared?
LYNN
I don’t think I like talking about this.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Please talk to me. I don’t have any girlfriends. I promise I won’t
tell a soul.
LYNN
Promise?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Promise.
LYNN
Give me more rum.
(LYNN takes another drink.)
LYNN
He did hurt me.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You said he didn’t.
LYNN
I lied.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
What did he do? Tell me.
LYNN
He burned me. He burned my nipples with a curling iron. And he cut my pubic
hairs off with the scissors. And he shaved me with a razor. I started to cry.
But I liked it.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I bet you did. But tell me why.
LYNN
I don’t know why? But I did. Ever since then, our relationship has not
been the best. He won’t talk to me the way he used to. He won’t
listen to me the way he used to. We don’t do the things we used to do.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Like what?
LYNN
He used to take me to the State Fair every summer. But not anymore.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I had a boy offer me $2,000.00 to have anal sex with me. I didn’t do it.
LYNN
Boys seem to like that too.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
It hurts. And the smell is awful. Have you had anal sex?
LYNN
Yes. Yeah, I wish it was a different. But it’s not. I lied at the breakfast
table. The first time I met Johnny was not when he came to my house looking
for a room.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You do a lot of lying, Lynn.
LYNN
Girls have to lie. Or men would eat us alive.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
How did you really meet Johnny?
LYNN
We went to high school together. We didn’t know each other very well.
He wrote me a note in sophomore English that said “You’re hot”
and I wrote him a letter back saying, “I know.”
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Does he still write you letters?
LYNN
Not for a long time. He doesn’t have anything I give him anymore. He’s
thrown all my gifts away.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Lynn, would you like me to hurt you? It doesn’t have to be me. I can make
Danny do it.
LYNN
Why do you want to hurt me?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You like it, don’t you? Your wrists. The bandages on your arms. You did
that, didn’t you?
LYNN
It’s not self-mutilation. It just makes me feel better.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I’ll burn your nipples for you. To make you happy. Did you have an orgasm
when Johnny burned you?
LYNN
I don’t want to talk about this anymore.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Lynn. Did you have an orgasm when Johnny burned you?
LYNN
I don’t think this is right. This conversation.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Did you.
LYNN
Yes.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Did you like it?
LYNN
Yes.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Did it make you happy?
LYNN
I felt wanted.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
That wasn’t the last time he hurt in sex.
LYNN
He doesn’t like to. He won’t touch me like that. Not anymore.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You do it to yourself. Don’t you?
LYNN
Sometimes.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
What do you like to do?
LYNN
That is just for me. That is just for me, Sally.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
But it’s not the same.
LYNN
Not even close.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I’ll burn you for free. You don’t have to pay me. We will drink
more rum, and you can lay down on your back, next to Maguey’s salt lick,
and I will burn you until my horse comes to us. Or until you make me stop.
LYNN
Why…why would you do that?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Because I like making boys happy. And I’ve never made a girl happy. And
I don’t think you are very happy. I’m sorry your boy toy kissedMaggie
last night. I’m sorry you wanted to cry.
LYNN
What would you do to me? Tell me.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Would you like to be tied?
LYNN
The last time I had sex I was tied.
THE GHOIST OF SALLY SINGER
The last time you had sex, or the last time you made love?
LYNN
The last time I made love.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
The time Johnny burned you?
LYNN
The time Johnny burned me.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I don’t have a curling iron.
LYNN
I don’t care.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I’ll tie your hands behind your back.
LYNN
With what?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Your own belt. Would you like that?
LYNN
Yes.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Have you burned yourself before?
LYNN
Yes.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
How?
LYNN
I warm a cast iron skillet on the stove.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Have you done this much?
LYNN
Eight times.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
And this makes you happy?
LYNN
It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel beautiful. Is that wrong?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Nothing is wrong if it makes you feel beautiful. I’ll take a horse bit
and set a match to it. Tell me if it gets too hot I don’t want you to
be unhappy. But I want you to tell me something first. Promise me you will tell.
LYNN
What is it?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Promise me. Then I will burn you.
LYNN
I promise.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Lynn, what happens when you die?
LYNN
Why are you asking that?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Because I don’t know anymore. And I need answers. Do you believe in Heaven?
LYNN
Not anymore.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Then what happens to you?
LYNN
You just die.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Is that what you really think?
LYNN
Yes.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
It is sad to hear you say that. Do you want me to take off your belt, or will
you do the honors?
LYNN
I want you to take it off. I want you to do it.
(THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER takes off her belt. Maguey the horse rises from
the floor.)
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
There he is. Maguey, this is Lynn. Lynn, this is Maguey the horse. Maguey’s
body died years ago. Hanta virus killed him. Hanta virus killed all of us. But
he still comes to visit me when it rains. I’m going to burn you now. Will
you cum?
LYNN
Yes.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Promise me.
LYNN
I promise.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Good.
(The sounds of wind and rain can be heard. The whispers of a song by The Hollies
can be heard.)
(Perhaps Hoobastank.)
(Perhaps The Hives.)
(Perhaps Harry McClintock.)
(Perhaps House of Pain.)
(Perhaps Hollywood Hate.)
Scene G
(THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER and THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY come from the floor.
The Ghost of Albert Singer urinates in a chamber pot. It is difficult for him.
He then stops. The scene is quiet.)
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Do you reckon he knows about us?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Why else would this killer drag his sorry ass and that dumb woman, with their
dead friend rotting under their noses. We are too far off the highway for those
kids to just stumble upon us.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Maybe we are dwellin’ too much on it. He ain’t so impressive to
me.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
No one is impressive to you, Danny.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
I don’t like the way he looks at your daughter.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Daniel doesn’t appreciate young lads looking upon my Sally? That is why
I keep you around, Danny. That is your job. To be suspecting.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
He was looking at her in front of his own girl.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
She was sitting across from him, Danny.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
I mean he was looking at her, wantin’ like, checkin’ her out. What
good is he to us?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
What good is he to me? What good is he to me, don’t you mean, Dan?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
What good is he to you, Al?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
I don’t know just yet. I’m still organizing my strategies and battle
formations.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
We don’t have time on our hands. The rain is slowing.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Fuckin’ thank you, Dan. I had no knowledge of that information.
(THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN enters. THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS appears via the
ground. Roberto now has a hook for a hand. He has a package.)
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
Chief, you’re new best friend has decided to grace you with his presence.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Good evening, men.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
What is your business?
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Your daughter is my business, you dumb drunk.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
You wanna lose that other hand, wop? You gonna look mighty humorous jerkin’
off with no fuckin’ hands.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Now, now, now. We are all friends here.
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
You ain’t no friend of mine.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Chan, the civilized are talking. Keep your lip zipped ‘til spoken too.
I must admit, Al, your patience for the chinks impress me.
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
His name is Mr. Singer.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
I will call him whatever I want to call him. And I’m here to talk with
him. Not you. Dog eater.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Apologize. Apologize to Tim or we have a problem.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
I didn’t come here to brawl.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Then apologize to my doorman.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
I come with a gift. A gift from my boss.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
I don’t give two shits. Apologize for your insult.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
I am sorry.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
I am sorry…who?
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
I am sorry. Timmy.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
I am beginning to notice a trend in our relationship, Mr. Jenkins. When you
bring forth gifts you will act as if you are guest in my house, or I will continue
to have my boys peel you to pieces.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
I bring a gift. Sir.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
So I have heard. Danny, open up that present from Roberto’s boss.
(THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY opens the present.)
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Rumor has it, you are having a funeral tonight with a man of interest to us.
My boss is contemplating making an appearance tonight, but you know how my employer
gets. The Devil never shows without an invitation.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Have your boss come by. We will save a chair for him. Or her, whatever the Devil
feels like being.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
You’ll want to take a look at this.
(THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER looks at the present.)
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
I do believe you are familiar with that digit, aren’t you? Al? Excuse
me, “Mr. Singer.” Where I come from, we have a strict eye for an
eye policy of justice. Or in this case, a hand for a hand. I made a conscious
effort to remove her wedding ring, but it just didn’t want to come off.
By the way, look what I wrapped it in. It’s your wife’s ol’
costume.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
I’ll stab your eyeballs out, and skull-fuck you.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Melodramatic, Danny. It isn’t as if I had sex with her. Yet. But I will
tell you I gave her a slow, open-mouthed kiss when I cut her fingers off. Tell
me Mr. Singer, when was the last time you gave your lovely dear wife a kiss?
An open-mouthed kiss?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
We have a deal.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
We have no deal. We had a deal with your wife. Your lovely wife. A contract
with her John Hancock, for your protection. ‘Cause she knew damn well
you were gonna have trouble outside those doors. He, and when I say he I don’t
mean my boss I mean that other guy, doesn’t care for people like you.
Haven’t you read his book? It’s a bestseller. Don’t you read,
Al? Of course your dumb chink probably doesn’t read. It’s okay,
Timmy I’ll act it out for you. I’ll use sock puppets. You’ll
like it. There is much sex and much violence. There is a big flood. A garden
with a talking snake. It is all bullshit. But people dig sex and violence, and
talking reptiles. In another time, and another place, and maybe another author,
it sure as shit would be banned from schools. By the way, Al, if that is your
real name, I was looking at the little agreement that your lovely wife signed
with my lovely boss. Royalties and first rights of refusal stuff. And I couldn’t
help but notice that your lovely…very lovely…daughter, her portion
of the contract has expired. Why do you think that is?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Because Sally will never leave.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Shut your mouth, Dan.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Funny thing, Danny. Funny thing. Sally is “dead.” Her contract is
up. Just like most of us. Most of us who are ghost that just can’t get
enough of the bright lights.
(THE GHOST OF ROBERTOJENKINS Cont.)
And yet she is here. With her horsy. That comes out of the door in the floor.
I am being to wonder if she knows her time is up. I’m starting to think
that I can go to her room right away, take her by the hand, and walk her back
to my sub-let. Where I, of course, have your wife. I had this crazy idea, you
will like this very much, I had this thought in my mind that I could offer you
your lovely wife for your daughter, because I’ve done a great deal to
your wife and she is beginning to bore me, but I am instigating a thought that
I can have both mommy and her young lady. Oh, the ideas I have, Al. The ideas
I have. Young ladies out there in the cold. Young ladies do like the attention.
And I have a casting couch. Let me give you a hint, a clue, a little something
to kick start your imagination. It involves your lovely wife and her very lovely
daughter. And it involves a talking snake. It’s a Hell of an idea, Al.
Get it? Hell. Ha. You have to admit, out of all the demons and cocksuckers you’ve
had to deal with, I am the most amusing.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
I would not. Be talking that way. To me. If I was you. Roberto, before you was
a ghost, were you a Satan worshiper?
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
No. Funny. Funny-funny thing. I was Mormon.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
What sent you to Hell?
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
I’ve never asked. It might have something to do with me marrying a nigger.
Did you know that? I married a black woman. Is that a good reason to be sent
to the Devil?
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
No?
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Let me tell you something, I actually don’t like it out there. It is not
fun. I’d rather be here. But you gotta pretend it’s fun. I was condemned
for marrying a black woman. That is a no-no outside these doors. Out those doors
people will tell you they like queers, liberal talk, and interracial marriages.
But they don’t really mean what they say. They aren’t true to your
face. It’s is always a good time, havin’ your friends and neighbors…God’s
chosen people…lighting a lower case T on your front lawn. That is something
I will never forget. And the goodly God-people, raped my wife with a broom stick
and they did that whilst hitting me in the head with a dictionary until I couldn’t
see anymore. And the next thing I knew, my current boss was offering me a cappuccino
and offering me a contract. I may not be whole any more, but that contract let’s
me keep something.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
A contract? Because you married a black woman?
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Because I’ll do anything. I’m really not an awful person, Al. But
you gotta make the best of your situation when the lights are turned down, and
you’re sent out there. God loves niggers. But he hates nigger lovers.
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
I’ve eaten animals better than you.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Go fuck yourself, Tim. You are a tough one, Al. You keep tough company. You
gonna have another one of your goons blow off the right hand? How about a foot?
Listen, this has been an excellent time, and you boys know I do enjoy seeing
you, except you Tim you’re a prick, but I am gonna head home and shave
and put my chaps and spurs on for your funeral tonight. Before the rain stops.
I’ll be seein’ you, boys.
(THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS disappears)
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Danny, would you be a good man? Follow Mr. Jenkins to the gates of Hell. Before
he enters, pin him to the ground and remove his tongue and jawbone. Make certain
all the ghosts and demons and bloodhounds and cocksuckers see what you do to
him. Make him messy. And tell them all that this is what happens to anyone who
touches who questions me. Or my daughter. Would you do that for me, Danny?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Of course, Al.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Danny. Use a spoon.
(THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY disappears.)
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Timmy, tell Maggie to get the band warmed up.
(THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN disappears.)
(Silence.)
(The whispers of a Jimi Hendrix song can be heard.)
(Perhaps Jimmy Buffett.)
(Perhaps Jimmy Dean.)
(Perhaps Jimmy Eat World.)
(Perhaps John Cougar.)
(Perhaps John Cougar Melloncamp.)
(Perhaps John Melloncamp.)
(Perhaps The Jesus and Mary Chain.)
Scene H
(The courtyard. The funeral of the boy named Rooster. Various spooks, specters,
and members of the ensemble carry a pine box on their shoulders as THE GHOST
OF ALBERT SINGER, THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER, THE GHOST OF SPIDER MARKS, are
lead by THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN, and a four piece mariachi group
making sounds and smashes and music in a funeral march. Perhaps a seventeen
piece swing band. Perhaps a punk rock group. Perhaps a bagpipe player. Perhaps
a loud Cuban band. Perhaps a New Orleans brass band. The band is the house band,
and known as the Heartless Bastards. JOHNNY and LYNN enter separately, then
join the funeral. Lynn is altered. She is wearing a new costume. It is mesmerizing.
The band stops playing as the ensemble lowers the pine box in the floor of the
stage.)
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
(Reading.)
I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white
sails to the morning breeze and starts
for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until at length
she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky come
to mingle with each other.
Then, someone at my side says;
"There, she is gone!"
"Gone where?"
Gone from my sight. That is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull
and spar as she was when she left my side
and she is just as able to bear her
load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.
And just at the moment when someone
at my side says, "There, she is gone!"
There are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad
shout;
"Here she comes!"
And that is dying.
We lay Rooster to rest this day. Let us pray.
ALL
Our Father who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth,
as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those
who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil:
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power, and the glory,
forever and ever.
Amen.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
Amen. Upon the request of Rooster’s cousin and good friend Johnathan,
Maggie and the Heartless Bastards will perform a beloved song by the departed.
(THE GHOST OF MAGGIE NGUYEN, LEADER OF THE HEARTLESS BASTARDS descends from
the cloud-covered sky in a kaleidoscope of color and lights. She has no wings,
but drops gracefully. She is costumed in the dress she was buried in. The band
plays I Want You, by Elvis Costello.)
THE GHOST OF MAGGIE NGUYEN, LEADER OF THE HEARTLESS BASTARDS
(Singing to Johnny. Sort of.)
I want you
Oh my baby baby I love you more than I can tell
I don’t think I can live without you
And I know that I never will
Oh my baby baby I want you so it scares me to death
I can’t say anymore than I love you
Everything else is a waste of breath
I want you
You’ve had your fun you don’t get well no more
I want you
Your fingernails go dragging down the wall
Be careful darling you might fall
I want you
I woke up and one of us was crying
I want you
You said young man I do believe you’re dying
I want you
If you need a second opinion as you seem to do these days
You can look in my eyes and you can count the ways
I want you
Did you mean to tell me but seem to forget
I want you
Since when were you so generous and inarticulate
I want you
It’s the stupid details that my heart is breaking for
It’s the way your shoulders shake and what they’re shaking for
It’s knowing that he knows you now after only guessing
I want you
It’s the thought of him undressing you or you undressing
I want you
He tossed some tatty compliment your way
I want you
And you were fool enough to love it when he said
I want you
I want you
The truth can’t hurt you it’s just like the dark
It scares you witless
But in time you see things clear and stark
I want you
Go on and hurt me then we’ll let it drop
I want you
I’m afraid I won’t know where to stop
I want you
I’m not ashamed to say I cried for you
I want you
I want to know the things you did that we do too
I want you
I want to hear he pleases you more than I do
I want you
I might as well be useless for all it means to you
I want you
Did you call his name out as he held you down
I want you
Oh no my darling not with that clown
I want you
You’ve had your fun you don’t get well no more
I want you
No-one who wants you could want you more
I want you
Every night when I go off to bed and when I wake up
I want you
I want you
(Everything abruptly stops. It stops raining and the sky rips open. A full
moon shines down on the party.)
(Intermezzo.)
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
It stopped raining.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
God in Heaven. I forgot how beautiful the Milky Way is.
(Silence as the ghosts look at the stars.)
THE GHOST OF TIMMY CHAN
We won’t have much time.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
We never do. Maggie, finish your song.
THE GHOST OF MAGGIE NGUYEN, LEADER OF THE HEARTLESS BASTARDS
(Finishing the song with no music.)
I’m going to say it once again ’til I instill it
I know I’m going to feel this way until you kill it
I want you.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Amen.
ALL
Amen.
(The ensemble closes the hole in the floor of the stage that is now Rooster’s
home. Chinese lanterns and Christmas lights appear. They dangle above the funeral
as it turns into a party. A bar appears as The Heartless Bastards begin to play
more music. Perhaps Van Morrison.)
(Perhaps the Vapors.)
(Perhaps Violet Indiana.)
(Perhaps The Vipers.)
(Perhaps Vocokesh.)
(Perhaps Vom.)
(Perhaps Vue.)
(THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY appears. He has a jawbone and a blood covered soupspoon.)
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
I thought you would like this. As a memento.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Get that away from me.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
What should I do with it?
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Give it to a dog for all I give a good God-damn. Just get it away from me. And
clean yourself. You are covered in that cocksucker’s juice. And clean
that spoon before you put it back. And Danny. Did you see my wife?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Yes, Al.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
And?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
I saw her across street.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
And.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
There were no gates at all. (Pointing to the entrance of the theatre.) Just
that door.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Did the bastards out there see what you did to Roberto?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
People just stopped. And looked at me.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Could you speak to my wife?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
Yes.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Could she hear your words?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
I don’t know, sir. She looked different. She had no make-up on.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
What did you say to my wife?
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
You know what I said to her, Al. I said exactly what you would want me to say
to her.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Good man. Go clean yourself.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
They will come for Sally now. You know that. There will be only so many of them
I can take.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Whatever happens from here on out, you and I walk into it together. Go clean
your-fuckin’-self, Dan, before the guests get ill.
(THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY disappears.)
(A shift occurs in the party scene. JOHNNY, LYNN, and THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE
PUNCHER/OLD MAN meet each other.)
JOHNNY
You changed your hair?
LYNN
No. No I didn’t. Who is this?
JOHNNY
The guy I’ve been looking for.
LYNN
Nice. A preacher.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
You can call me…
LYNN
I don’t want to know your name. Have you met Sally’s horse? It’s
one of the most beautiful horses I have ever laid eyes on.
JOHNNY
I am sure she is.
LYNN
Sally burned me Johnny. How does that make you feel? Sally tied my hands behind
my back and burned me. I said how does that make you feel?
JOHNNY
Not here. Not now.
LYNN
I want to do this here. I want to do this now. She was delicate when she hurt
me. I want to know how that makes you feel.
JOHNNY
Dejected.
LYNN
Tell me why? You tell me why now. You can’t, can you?
JOHNNY
I can but I won’t do it here and I won’t do it now.
LYNN
You are an asshole, Johnny. I have asked for so little from you. And you won’t
even give me this.
JOHNNY
Lynn, this is my father.
LYNN
I like your collar.
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
I see the taste in women run in the family.
LYNN
What does that mean?
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
It’s a compliment. You are the spitting image of Johnny’s mother.
LYNN
Am I? That says everything, doesn’t it? Look who it is? Your kissing buddy.
(THE GHOST OF MAGGIE NGUYEN, LEADER OF THE HEARTLESS BASTARDS, strolls over
to the three with a drink, perhaps a zombie, in one hand and a cigarette in
another.)
THE GHSOT OF SPIDER MARKS
(Away from the action.) Sing another song, Maggie.
THE GHOST OF MAGGIE NGUYEN, LEADER OF THE HEARTLESS BASTARDS
I will sing another song when I sing another song and not when you tell me to,
Spider Marks. Who is this young Devil?
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
You know him.
THE GHOST OF MAGGIE NGUYEN, LEADER OF THE HEARTLESS BASTARDS
No, old man, I would recall a fine buck such as this.
LYNN
He kissed you last night.
JOHNNY
She kissed me.
THE GHOST OF MAGGIE NGUYEN, LEADER OF THE HEARTLESS BASTARDS
I do remember you. And no, Johnny. You kissed me. On the lips. Open mouth. Continuous.
Very nice. You have skills. I appreciate a man with skills. And you are his
wife?
LYNN
I’m his victim.
THE GHOST OF MAGGIE NGUYEN, LEADER OF THE HEARTLESS BASTARDS
You gave me an open mouth kiss in front of another woman? Bad form, Johnny.
What is your name, sugar?
LYNN
Sugar. My name is Sugar.
THE GHOST OF MAGGIE NGUYEN, LEADER OF THE HEARTLESS BASTARDS
Don’t be coy. I’m too old for games and bullshit. I’ll imagine
your name is Julie, or Jenny, or something that starts with a J.
LYNN
You are wrong. My name is Sugar.
THE GHOST OF MAGGIE NGUYEN, LEADER OF THE HEARTLESS BASTARDS
Who gave you that name? Your mommy or your daddy?
LYNN
I gave myself that name.
THE GHOST OF MAGGIE NGUYEN, LEADER OF THE HEARTLESS BASTARDS
Why?
LYNN
Because I can.
THE GHOST OF MAGGIE NGUYEN, LEADER OF THE HEARTLESS BASTARDS
You don’t like me, do you?
LYNN
Where on earth did you get that thought?
JOHNNY
Shouldn’t we be thinking of Rooster?
LYNN
I will think of whatever the fuck I want to think of. Don’t ever speak
to me that way again. Dear God, how did we ever get this far? I loved you. I
honestly loved you once. I know that sounds gross, but I honestly loved you.
THE GHOST OF MAGGIE NGUYEN, LEADER OF THE HEARTLESS BASTARDS
That doesn’t sound gross.
LYNN
Thanks. Thank you very much. You stopped. You stopped talking to me and playing
with me and being with me and saying the things you used to say and I don’t
know why it all stopped and I wish you would start again. But you won’t.
You‘ll just kiss more girls. You just kiss more girls in front of me.
You just sit on the porch and stare at the sun all day until you have to go
to work. I don’t care about Rooster. I am glad he is dead. I wish I was
him. Will we see him tonight? Will Rooster be like you?
THE GHOST OF THE BIBLE PUNCHER/OLD MAN
I hope not.
LYNN
Your fuckin’ father…and this slanty-eyed Asian slut is more alive
than you and me are. I am sorry. I didn’t mean to say that about you.
THE GHOST OF MAGGIE NGUYEN, LEADER OF THE HEARTLESS BASTARDS
I’ve been called worse, Lynn
LYNN
How did you know my name?
(THE GHOST OF MAGGIE NGUYEN, LEADER OF THE HEARTLESS BASTARDS whispers in Lynn’s
ear. They smile at each other and begin to laugh. They look at the audience.)
LYNN
Oh. My. God. They are beautiful. (To Johnny.) Why are you looking at me like
that?
JOHNNY
If I told you it was nice to see you smile again, would you believe me?
LYNN
I’m not telling you. I’m not answering that question. You can’t
see them, can you?
JOHNNY
I can. But I’m trying to ignore them.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
(Shouting from across the stage.) Johnny! Hey! I’m, talking to you. Johnny!
What kind of fuckin’ woman do you have here? Timmy Chan tells me she had
sex with my daughter.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
That is not true, Daddy.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Has Timmy Chan ever lied? Has Tim ever lied?
LYNN
We didn’t have sex.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
What kind of cunt are you? Having sex with my little girl?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I am not a little girl!
JOHNNY
Don’t speak to her that way.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
I am done talkin’ with you, I am talking to your twat now.
THE GHOST OF MAGGIE NGUYEN, LEADER OF THE HEARTLESS BASTARDS
Do not speak to her that way, Albert!
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Who asked for your feelings?
JOHNNY
Apologize to Lynn. Now.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
And what the mother-fuck are you gonna do if I don’t? You gonna kiss Maggie
again, you penis.
JOHNNY
(He takes his lighter.) Apologize for your insult. Apologize or I will burn
this whole joint down. Your kingdom. Your Camelot. I will burn the whole thing
to the ground.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Fuck you.
JOHNNY
Do you doubt me? I’ll burn it all.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Am I gonna have to take that thing away from you? Is this gonna come to blows,
Killer?
JOHNNY
It doesn’t have to if you do the right thing.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Well, look who’s showing a backbone.
THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY
I will take care of him.
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Stay out of this, Danny. Should I trust you don’t have a real weapon?
JOHNNY
I won’t need a weapon.
(The two men brawl. Perhaps it is explicit. Perhaps it is grueling. The Ghost
of Albert Singer eventual gains the upper hand, Takes the lighter and holds
Johnny by the hair.)
THE GHOST OF ALBERT SINGER
Dan! Knife!
(THE GHOST OF DANNY ORLOVSKY gives The Ghost of Albert Singer a knife.