(New York City. The A train, trapped under the East River. MARGOT and RON sit, dressed in wedding attire. They are about 50 years of age. They are still. Silence.)

MARGOT

Why didn’t you dance with me at the wedding?

RON

Because. I didn’t want to.

(Silence.)

MARGOT

Why don’t you turn your cell phone on?

RON

Turning on my cell phone is not to going to help.

MARGOT

That is not what I am talking about. You never turn your cell phone on. You never turn it on when I am around.

RON

I like privacy. You should know that by now.

MARGOT

You don’t turn it on because she’s going to call you. She’s going to call you and leave a message so you know where you can meet her and fuck her.

RON

Who? Who’s gonna leave a message?

MARGOT

Her.

RON

Who her?

MARGOT

The girl you are fucking.

RON

I’m not fucking anybody.

MARGOT

Bullshit.

RON

Watch your language. You know I don’t like it when you curse.

MARGOT

I will talk however I want to talk. I know you’re fucking somebody.

RON

I’m not sleeping with somebody else.

MARGOT

Well, you’re not sleeping with me. Whatever. It doesn’t matter.

RON

Sure as Hell doesn’t matter. You always act like this when we go to weddings.

MARGOT

Are you saying I ruin weddings?

RON

I didn’t say that. I’m saying you always act like this when we go to weddings.

(Silence.)

MARGOT

Why hasn’t the train moved?

RON

Construction. Probably.

MARGOT

Under the East River?

RON

Why not?

MARGOT

How long have we been stopped?

RON

At least thirty minutes.

MARGOT

You don’t know?

RON

No.

MARGOT

Check your watch.

RON

I didn’t wear my watch today.

MARGOT

I noticed. You haven’t been wearing your watch recently.

RON

Are you afraid “she” is going to call my watch?

MARGOT

This is a serious problem in our marriage, and it will continue to be a problem until you turn your cell phone on. Are you listening to me?

RON

Sh. Something’s wrong. The air conditioning. It stopped.

(Conductor enters. He is young.)

CONDUCTOR

Attention ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the inconvenience. We should be moving shortly.

RON

Why is he telling us that? Why isn’t he using the speaker? Excuse me, why aren’t you using the intercom system?

CONDUCTOR

We are experiencing a power failure. The power should hopefully be restored momentarily.

RON

What’s causing it?

CONDUCTOR

Excuse me?

RON

My wife is diabetic. What’s causing the power failure?

CONDUCTOR

We no longer seem to have a power source.

RON

Why not?

CONDUCTOR

It appears the power source has been eaten.

RON

By what?

CONDUCTOR

I don’t know, sir. Something with a beak and eight tentacles.

RON

A beak and eight tentacles?

MARGOT

A squid?

CONDUCTOR

I didn’t say a squid. I said something with a beak and eight tentacles.

(CONDUCTOR removes a harpoon from the conductors box.)

MARGOT

Who do you know it has a beak and tentacles?

CONDUCTOR

Well, miss; it’s eating the train. Passengers too. It ate the first two cars. But don’t worry, you’re in the third to last car. We hope to have power restored once the squid is full and stopped eating. We apologize for the delay.

RON

How did a squid get on the tracks?

CONDUCTOR

It probably swam. If you have smokes, smoke. Oh...yeah...and if you notice any suspicious behavior or see any unattended baggage, please notify the nearest train conductor. Thank you for riding with MTA. We are working for your safety.

(CONDUCTOR exits. Silence.)

MARGOT

Do you have any mouthwash? I have wedding cake stuck between my teeth.

RON

Yeah. I just bought some.

(RON gives her a bottle of CVS mouthwash.)

MARGOT

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. Who bought you this mouthwash?

RON

I told you, I just got it myself.

MARGOT

You never buy CVS mouthwash. You always buy Listerine. Why are you carrying this?

RON

Because I knew you would get cake stuck in your teeth.

MARGOT

Then why didn’t you buy Listerine? I only use Listerine. You know that.

RON

It’s the same thing. Listerine sells the formula to CVS.

MARGOT

It is not the same thing. I use Listerine because it’s a brand that I trust.

RON

Look! (Reading the label.) 0.01 ml. trcyne. 0.5ml. cyminate. 0.058 ml. alcohol. It’s the exact same mouthwash as Listerine.

MARGOT

No. It’s not. It tastes difficult.

RON

How would you know? How would you know if you’ve only been using Listerine for the past ten years?

MARGOT

I know. I can tell.

RON

You can tell.

MARGOT

I can tell by looking at it.

RON

Yeah. That makes a mess of sense.

(CONDUCTOR enters. His clothes are ripped and covered in blood. His harpoon has been bitten in half.)

CONDUCTOR

Ladies and gentlemen...(He drops what is left of his harpoon)...you have a cigarette?

MARGOT

Yes. You want one?

CONDUCTOR

Yeah. Thanks. Thank you. Thank you very much. Did you two get married today?

MARGOT

No. We are coming from a friends wedding.

CONDUCTOR

Oh. Yeah. He called you his wife earlier. I’ve never been married. Is it wonderful?

RON

Sometimes.

CONDUCTOR

I met a girl. A the concessions stands. At Yankee Stadium. During the Red Sox series. It’s a shame the Yanks lost. I mean, they didn’t lose that night, but it’s a shame they lost the series. It was the last game of the season the Yanks won. They hammered the Sox and I got the nerve to ask her her name. If the Yanks had gone on to the World Series I was hoping to see her again. I see her at all the Yankees games. Her name is Jeannie. She came from Houston. She wants to be a dancer. I think. That’s what I tell myself. She’s really sweet. She always says thank you and smiles when she gives me my Pepsi. No one smiles like Jeannie. Pretty soon I’m gonna have to ask you two to move to the next car. It looks awful hungry. Is that mouthwash? That’s got alcohol in it, don’t it?

RON

0.058 ml.

CONDUCTOR

Mind if I have a swig?

(They give him the bottle. He takes shot.)

CONDUCTOR

If I’m not back in ten minutes. Move to the next car. Do you understand me?

MARGOT

Yes.

CONDUCTOR

You may just want to move to the last car. Thank you for the cigarette. And thank you for riding with MTA.

(CONDUCTOR picks up what is left of the harpoon and exit. Silence.)

MARGOT

Why don’t you turn your cell phone on? This is why I worry. All you have to do is turn your cell phone on.

RON

Margot.

MARGOT

Who is she, Ron?

RON

There is no “she.”

MARGOT

I wish there was. It would make this so much easier. Why didn’t you dance with me at the wedding?

RON

I just didn’t want to.

MARGOT

When we got married, we danced for hours, and at the end of the night, when everyone was drunk, or passed out, or gone, we danced circles around the room to no music at all. Just the sparkles from the mirror ball on the floor. on the floor. And you jumped on the sparkles and caught them in your hand like fireflies. We never dance anymore.

RON

I just don’t want to dance anymore.

MARGOT

I do.

RON

I know you do. But I don’t.

(Silence.)

MARGOT

I wish you’d turn your cell phone on. I wish you’d turn your cell phone on so I could talk to you. God, I hate you.

RON

I know you do. We need to move to the last car.

MARGOT

I know we do.

(Silence.)

END OF PLAY