“In the culture of forgetfulness, memory alone has no meaning”
-James Baldwin
Act 1 (The act that never ends.)
(Outside of the theatre, or amphitheatre, or studio, or church basement where
the performance of this piece is taking place. At the doorway audience members
are aligned by stagehands and technicians dressed in black via size and shape,
smallish and shorter patrons at the front of the line, larger individuals located
at the rear, separating friends and romantic associates. Before opening the
house, The Costumer of the production and THE VERY LARGE MAN enter the waiting
area, The Costumer measures and clips each audience member with a S, M, L or
XL tag. Upon doing this action, THE VERY LARGE MAN, dressed in a fine suit,
frisks the patron looking for weapons, cell phones and electric recording devices.
If said devices are located in the act of frisking The Very Large Man should
threaten with one of the these phrases…)
THE VERY LARGE MAN
1.) Turn it off and keep it off or we shall have a serious disagreement.
2.) This isn’t permitted.
3.) If I see this in use, I will kill you, rape you, and eat you. In that order.
Have a pleasant evening and enjoy the show.
(Once the audience is calm and still, The Very Large Man leads them into the playing space. The set is that of a cabaret space with a stage surrounded by small tables. This is The Big Malibu, a karaoke/parish/brothel. This world is made of black glass, black wax candles, and comfortable black chairs. Each chair has a red blindfold tied to one leg. The Big Malibu is littered with various televisions, about three hundred, that hang from the ceiling, extrude from the walls and randomly create pillars in the performance space. On the televisions is a picture of the Pacific Ocean rolling in and off a sandy beach. The sounds of the waves can be heard. ROSCOE TRUELOCK sits on the end of the karaoke stage and smokes a cigarette. He is dressed well, but simple and has one of the S, M, L or XL tags hanging from his shirt. KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY) sits next to him on the stage. She is dressed only in a red robe and wears no make-up. One by one, each television fades to black, allowing the two actors on stage no competition for audience attention. The line between where the audience and the performance begins and ends is a blur. The two sit in silence for 4:47.)
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
(Softly putting her hand on his knee.) I hate it when you smoke.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
I didn’t ask.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
(Removing her hand.) Do you like watching me?
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
Do I like watching you or do I like looking at you?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Is there a difference?
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
Why are you asking questions like these?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Because I like asking them, and I would like an answer.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
Do you like it when I watch you?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
I like it when you pay me. But you never do.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
Is that all? Is that all you like about me? When I come in here, when I come
in here with my buddies and we pay you to dance and sing?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
And fuck. Your buddies pay me to fuck. But you never do. You never want to screw.
You just want to talk.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
I like talking. Talking is underrated.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
And making love to me is overrated?
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
I never said that. I would never say that in a hundred years.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
You never talk to me. You just ask questions and listen. Why do you talk to
me?
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
Do you remember the first time we sat here? We sat down and talked?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Yes.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
Then what did I say to you?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
You said many things.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK.
What. Did. I. Say?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
You told me how much you liked it here. How drunky you were getting.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
I never said any of those things to you.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
I don’t recall any of the words you said to me the first time you were
here. But I can tell you what you wore.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
What was I wearing?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Black and white wingtip shoes. Faded blue jeans with spots of blood on the right
knee. A black button down shirt, the first two buttonswere missing. You said
the buttons were ripped off in parking lot fight at the DMV. And you wore a
baseball hat that said New Orleans Saints across the front in black and gold
letters. You told me your father gave you the hat from a business trip of his.
(She touches a scrape on his cheek.) You told me you got this scrape from that
fight at the DMV and it has never healed. And it bleeds every time you drink.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
You seem to remember a lot of what I said that night.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
(Softly putting her hand on his knee.) I remember every word you spoke to me.
It plays in my head like a broken record.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
Do you remember what I called myself?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
(Removing her hand.) You told me your name was Herbert, and it would be Herbert
until I told you my real name.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
But you know my real name.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Yes.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
Tell me your name.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
I can’t tell you that, Herbert.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
Don’t call me Herbert.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Then what should I call you?
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
Call me Roscoe.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Don’t. Don’t you do that. Don’t you tell me to call you that.
Not your real name.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
What makes you think that is my real name?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Because it is. Everyone knows who you are. Everyone knows who your father is.
Everyone knows who your buddies are. You’re in the papers more than a
rock star.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
That’s only because of who my father is. Call me Roscoe.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
No. And please stop asking me to.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
I’ll pay you. I’ve never paid you before, but I’ll pay you
to call me Roscoe.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
No. I won’t do it.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
Tell me your name.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Stop this. Stop this right now.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
How much do you get paid per client? How much do you get paid per hour?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
You’re hurting my feelings.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
I’ll top it.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Stop.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
What the Hell, I’ll even triple it. I’ll give you my credit card.
It can be yours. You can pay your rent for five months with it. Tell me your
name.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
I can’t.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
Why not?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
It’ll break the illusion.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
What illusion. We both know your name is not Shotgun Betty.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
It is when I am working.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
Then stop working.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
I’m not telling you my name.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
Do I have to be mean? Do you want me to be mean to you? How many times have
we had sex?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
We’ve never made love.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
How many times have you wanted to have sex with me?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Every night since you kissed me. You know that.
ROSOCE TRUELOCK
When was that?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Your third visit here. I sang a Cyndi Lauper song, and Daddy Shine told me a
boy was waiting for me in room 42. I walked in and you were sitting on the floor,
smoking. You licked the back of ten twenty-dollar bills and stuck them to the
television screen. You said they could all be mine if I did seven cheerleading
routines. I did three. You stopped me, told me to stop chewing my gum, and kissed
me on the mouth until the sun came up. The next time you came here, I sang you
a song.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
You sang a Traffic song. Badly, I might add.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
(Softly putting her hand on his knee.) Dear Mr. Fantasy Man.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
(Pointing his finger at an audience member.) Tell me your real name, or I’ll
fuck that chick in the corner right in front of you. I’ll do it. I’ll
do it if you don’t tell me your real name.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
(Removing her hand.) You’re lying to me.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
Tell me or I’ll kiss her. On the mouth. In room 42.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Oh. I hate you. I hate you for talking that way.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
I want to know your real name.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
I don’t see why.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
Then you’re an idiot.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
If you are trying to make me cry, I won’t do it. I never cry. I haven’t
cried since I was seven.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
I want to take you to dinner. Some place nice. Quiet. Where you can meet my
father. And I don’t want to introduce you to him as ShotgunBetty.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
I don’t think that would be right.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
And I think that is the God damned stupidest thing I have ever heard.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Do you? Do you know that your friend Rex, your buddy Rex came in here last Wednesday?
Do you know that your buddy Rex had sex with me? He stuffed four hundred dollars
in my mouth, like a horse bit, and did me from behind. He fucked me so hard,
I couldn’t walk or twenty-four hours. Now, am I really the kind of person
you want to introduce to your father?
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
What room?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
I didn’t take him to our room. I would never take anyone else to our room.
The room where you talk to me. I took him to room 41. I’m sorry, Herbert,
am I hurting your feelings? Do you still want to sleep with that girl in the
corner? Rex was rough with me. I thought I was gonna need a doctor. I bled a
little. But I let him do me rough because he is your buddy. The roughest thing
you have ever done to me was threaten to fly me to Puerto Rico for to see my
grandfather when he broke his hip. You do love to sit in room 42 and ask me
about my family. In fact, the night you offered to fly me out to him, that was
the night you did that dumb magic trick. Remember? When you pulled the Puerto
Rican flag out of your mouth. I still have that flag. I clipped it to my refrigerator
door. And I still have no idea how you did that trick. What would happen if
I told you my real name?
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
You know what would happen.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
No. I don’t. I want you to tell me. I want you to tell me what would change.
ROSOCE TRUELOCK
Nothing. Nothing would change between us.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
I would still be a whore. I would still be a singing, dancing whore. Who sleeps
with your buddies because they are your buddies.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
You’ve never been that.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
What would happen if I had dinner with your father? If I was seen in public
with your father? We would be all over the tabloids and it would be the end
of your father’s life.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
I want you to meet him because I am leaving. And I want my father to see your
face before I go.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Where are you going?
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
My father has outgrown California. He is running…to be President next
fall. It will look very nice if my father’s only son is part of the American
fighting military in the Middle East.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
(Softly putting her hand on his knee.) Do you want to go?
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
That question has not been asked. Tell me your real name.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
(Removing her hand.) I don’t want to break the illusion.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
What do you think of when you think of me?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
I think of New Mexico. I think of having a vineyard. And there are rabbits.
Desert rabbits eating our garden when we are at the movies or at the grocery
store, or whatever. Our neighbor is in the witness relocation program and calls
me doll. You insist on having a ceramic pig at the front door, because it represents
Irish hospitality. And we are poor. And you stop smoking. And you wake me up
every morning whispering my name in my ear.
(ROSOCE TRUELOCK stops smoking and pulls a New Mexican flag out of his mouth
and gives it to her.)
ROSOCOE TRUELOCK
Sorry. It’s a little wet.
(The two laugh. Then silence is heard for 4:47. Roscoe Truelock goes back to
smoking his cigarette.)
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
(Holding the flag to her face.) Never tell me how you do this. What if you are
killed?
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
Then I will be dead. I won’t be killed. I’m rich and I went to college.
I will automatically become an officer. All I will have to do is tell the poor
kids to go die. That’s how the military is. This will be the last time
I come here.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Can we please make love? Just this once?
ROSOCE TRUELOCK
It would break the illusion.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
I knew you were going to say that. I have to get ready for the funeral anyways.
(Looking to the audience.) And they all paid to see me perform.
(KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY) runs off stage, as ROSCOE TRUELOCK takes
a seat in one of the cabaret chairs. THE VERY LARGE MAN enters leading the stagehands,
The Costumer, and the technicians to seats around the stage. All of these people
should be seated in front of the audience. As he does this, he sings O’
Death with no musical accompaniment and sets a microphone on stage. The lyrics
of the song begin to appear on the television screens. Towards the end of the
song, a large piano crate descends from the ceiling on wires with the words
“Willem Dasheill Mouse 1975-2006” painted across the front.)
THE VERY LARGE MAN
(Singing.)
O, Death
O, Death
Won't you spare me over til another year
Well what is this that I can't see
With ice cold hands takin' hold of me
Well I am death, none can excel
I'll open the door to heaven or hell
Whoa, death someone would pray
Could you wait to call me another day
(THE VERY LARGE MAN Cont.)
The children prayed, the preacher preached
Time and mercy is out of your reach
I'll fix your feet til you can’t walk
I'll lock your jaw til you can’t talk
I'll close your eyes so you can't see
This very air, come and go with me
I'm death I come to take the soul
Leave the body and leave it cold
To draw up the flesh off of the frame
Dirt and worm both have a claim
O, Death
O, Death
Won't you spare me over til another year
My mother came to my bed
Placed a cold towel upon my head
My head is warm my feet are cold
Death is a-movin upon my soul
Oh, death how you're treatin' me
You've close my eyes so I can't see
Well you're hurtin' my body
You make me cold
You run my life right outta my soul
Oh death please consider my age
Please don't take me at this stage
My wealth is all at your command
If you will move your icy hand
Oh the young, the rich or poor
Hunger like me you know
No wealth, no ruin, no silver no gold
Nothing satisfies me but your soul
O, death
O, death
Won’t you spare me over til another year
Won’t you spare me over til another year
Won’t you spare me over til another year
(DADDY SHINE: THE BROKEN LIZARD takes the stage. He is the MC and Holy Man
of The Big Malibu and should be dressed appropriately. Perhaps in a velvet tuxedo.
Perhaps in nothing but a fur coat and socks. Perhaps he is the spitting image
of Gram Parsons. Perhaps he is Death, dressed as a beekeeper. Regardless of
his appearance, he has a bible with him. He takes the microphone and addresses
the audience. )
DADDY SHINE: THE BROKEN LIZARD
There’s a radio god that lives in the sky. That radio god transmits illusions
of good times and happiness from his radio friendly land. He transmits illusions
that all people are real; that people are not just shadows that splash from
one song to the next. That radio god has built a wall in the sky so our souls
won’t escape until we die. I’d like to believe in that radio god,
but I don’t. And I won’t. Not when men die at a young age. Not when
good men like Billy Mouse die in youth.
(Red smoke begins to rise from the stage.)
DADDY SHINE: THE BROKEN LIZARD
It’s nice to see you all here today. It’s nice to see that you all
paid full admission. It’s nice to get out of your chair, it’s nice
to get out of your bed, it’s nice to get out of your bungalow and come
to this fine and clean establishment and look out upon the pretty people and
say good bye to one of our closest and dear patrons, a patriot of men, a patriot
of the human soul. It’s nice to have a place you can go to, a place where
you can have a drink, a nice cold beverage on a hot-hot day, and sing a few
songs, speak The Good Lords words, and eat fried clams for $7.99. It’s
nice to come here and get a moderately priced hand jobs, or rim jobs, or blowjobs,
or a rusty trombone. It’s nice to come here and get a dirty Sanchez, or
a Roman war helmet, or Pearl Harbor, or a Bismarck, if that is what you prefer,
or my personal favorite the Cleveland steamer, and worship God under the same
roof. It’s nice to wake every morning and feel safe and comfortable in
the fact that we have The Big Malibu to take away our blues. Billy Mouse knew
of what I speak. Billy Mouse was a mountain of a man. Stood eight foot three
and weighed in at 527 pounds of sculpted man meat. No fat on them bones of Billy
Mouse, no sir. And he had a shock of red hair that could burn a hole in the
sun. Monday to Friday he labored a 9 to 5 schedule at the butter factory just
up the road, blending the finest creams to make the most delicious butters on
the Pacific Coast. If known for only one thing, Billy Mouse could churn butter.
Every night when he punched that time clock, and he punched it good, Billy Mouse
hopped into his Escalade and drove on down to pray and drink and smoke and thank
The Good Lord for another fine day. Billy Mouse would sit in that very chair,
that chair right there and eat forty-two clams, drink twenty-one Tecates, and
sing one gentle song just to grace the world with his tender tenor. Billy Mouse
was a man you could believe in. It’s been a hard goin’ of late.
Botched elections, hurricanes, mad cow disease, the Rev. Fred Phelps and his
filthy fag fearin’ fuckers, Big Bad Bush and his killin’ kin shootin’
guns with a cock full of cum and fire in his eyes after the big bang came down
upon New York City on that very special Tuesday. And we said “Golly, will
this be the death of us all?” Koby Bryant! Koby Bryant raped a teenage
lass and broke-up the Lakers. Sent Shaq to South Beach. What kind of man sends
Shaq to South Beach? How many championship rings went down the drain the day
they sent Shaq to South Beach? It makes me sad. I know not what to do with my
sorrow. All I want to do is drink and screw and sing and eat baked clams, just
like Billy Mouse. Today we have a new special. I am sad to say it has been dubbed
the Billy Mouse special. All that I have said and more for $12.99 from five
o’clock to seven o’clock. Just ask your waitress for assistance,
they’ll help you out, that is what they are here for. Buy what you will,
take what you want, take the leftovers home to your cats. The way Billy Mouse
did.
(DADDY SHINE: THE BROKEN LIZARD Cont.)
Gadzooks. Will Big Bad Bush kill us all with his big-big guns that turn sand
into glass at the blink of an eyelash? Will the tsunamis come and wash us all
away? When I eat at Taco Bell, or Pizza Hut, or Burger King I ask myself “What
is this meat? Is it cow? Is it elk? Is it something more human? When Billy Mouse
was with us, these questions didn’t haunt me so. When Billy Mouse was
with us I knew that no matter who was elected to office, no matter what wars
were fought, no matter what stars exploded in the sky, there was one man on
The Good Lord’s green earth with integrity, with scruples, with gumption.
There was at least a man with both hands on his steering wheel, obeying The
Good Lords traffic laws. Billy Mouse was at that very door you all came through
this evening not more than two weeks ago and told me he had to leave the grocery
store. He had to leave the grocery store because a Phil Colins song came over
the loud speaker. Billy Mouse left his groceries in aisle 6 because a Phil Colins
song came crashing down upon him and the fine citizens at the QVC and he wouldn’t
tolerate it. That was the kind of man Billy Mouse was, and the kind o’
man I hope my young boy, Griffin, grows to become. Billy Mouse believed in the
radio god that lives in the sky. I hope that our children grow to be tall and
mighty. I hope that our children of this world follow in the footsteps of our
dearly departed amigo, Billy Mouse. Let us pray.
(The stagehands and technicians all exit.)
DADDY SHINE: THE BROKEN LIZARD
(Reading from a bible.)
Our Father who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth,
as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those
who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil:
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power, and the glory,
forever and ever.
Amen.
(The Costumer goes to DADDY SHINE: THE BROKEN LIZARD and gives him a simple
piece of paper.)
DADDY SHINE: THE BROKEN LIZARD
Billy Mouse had his favorite songs, and he would sing them with glee. And I
would like to sing one of those songs for you now. But first, the owner of a
powder blue Ford
(DADDY SHINE: THE BROKEN LIZARD Cont.)
Taurus, your lights are on. Owner of a powder blue Ford Taurus with Idaho plates,
your lights are on.
(Two planted audience members leave as the music of Silver Tongued Devil and I by Kris Kristofferson begins to play. The lyrics of the song can be seen on the television screens.)
DADDY SHINE: THE BROKEN LIZARD
Ladies and gentlemen, let us all have a good time tonight in the name of Billy
Mouse, and do what ye will. I know you won’t break the rules. At The Big
Malibu, there aren’t any. Here’s an oldie, but a goodie. Sing along,
if you’d like.
(Singing.)
I took myself down to the Tally Ho Tavern,
To buy me a bottle of beer.
And I sat me down by a tender young maiden,
Who's eyes were as dark as her hair.
And as I was searching from bottle to bottle,
For something un-foolish to say.
That silver tongued devil just slipped from the shadows,
And smilingly stole her away.
I said: "Hey, little girl, don't you know he's the devil.
"He's everything that I ain't.
"Hiding intentions of evil,
"Under the smile of a saint.
"All he's good for is getting in trouble,
"And shiftin' his share of the blame.
"And some people swear he's my double:
"And some even say we're the same.
"But the silver-tongued devil's got nothing to lose,
"I'll only live 'til I die.
"We take our own chances and pay our own dues,
"The silver tongued devil and I."
(KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY), KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL), and KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK) slowly drop from the ceiling on wires. They are dressed in exotic outfits and lavish make-up. From their backs flutter giant wings that guide them to the ground. These wings are made of wax. Perhaps feathers. Perhaps car parts. Perhaps musical notes. They join the MC with his song.)
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Like all the fair maidens who've laid down beside him,
She knew in her heart that he'd lied.
KARAOKE ANGEL#2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Nothin' that I could have said could have saved her,
No matter how hard that she tried.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
'Cos she'll offer her charms to the darkness and danger,
Of somethin' that she's never known.
DADDY SHINE THE BROKEN LIZARD
And open her arms at the smile of a stranger,
Who'll love her and leave her alone.
(The music abruptly stops as JOHNNY, THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER, and TRAVIS
MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY) enter. Johnny has no shoes.)
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Oh. My. That’s him, isn’t it? The church burner.
JOHNNY
Please. Don’t stop.
DADDY SHINE THE BROKEN LIZARD
(Lip-syncing to a recording of him singing without music.)
And you know, he's the devil.
He's everything that I ain't.
Hiding intentions of evil,
Under the smile of a saint.
All he's good for is getting in trouble,
And shiftin' his share of the blame.
And some people swear he's my double:
And some even say we're the same.
(He stops the lip-syncing, but the music still plays.)
But the silver-tongued devil's got nothing to lose,
I'll only live 'til I die.
We take our own chances and pay our own dues,
(The technicians and stagehands return, dressed as exotic dancers in various
costumes. Perhaps police officers. Perhaps firefighters. Perhaps Indian Chiefs.
Perhaps Rodeo Stars. They become waiters and waitresses and servers for the
audience.)
DADDY SHINE: THE BROKEN LIZARD
The silver tongued devil and I.
JOHNNY
(To an audience member.) Enjoying this garbage? Good.
DADDY SHINE: THE BROKEN LIZARD
We knew you were going to come. I didn’t think you would be getting here
so quickly.
JOHNNY
I’ve been in a hurry.
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
We’ve been in a hurry.
HA!
DADDY SHINE: THE BROKEN LIZARD
Should I trust we won’t have issues with you?
JOHNNY
Are you asking am I gonna burn this building to the ground?
DADDY SHINE: THE BROKEN LIZARD
If I was asking that I would ask it.
JOHNNY
(Flicking his lighter.) If I came all this way to burn this fucker down, I would
have done by now. But, no. The answer to your question is that you shouldn’t
trust me at all.
DADDY SHINE: THE BROKEN LIZARD
What about the boy?
JOHNNY
What about him?
DADDY SHINE: THE BROKEN LIZARD
He is under age.
JOHNNY
So are half the people in here.
DADDY SHINE: THE BROKEN LIZARD
We don’t allow firearms in these doors.
JOHNNY
The kid hasn’t shot anybody in a week. And he only has one bullet left.
He will be on his best behavior while we are here. Isn’t that right, Travis.
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
I will be on my best behavior.
AGH!
DADDY SHINE: THE BROKEN LIZARD
Jim Dandy, then. You can drink. You can smoke. You can screw, and pray, but
I don’t imagine you will be doing any praying. Just don’t do anything
The Good Lord wouldn’t do. You want to see her, don’t you?
JOHNNY
She is why we are here.
DADDY SHINE: THE BROKEN LIZARD
I’ll tell her you have arrived. She’s been waiting for you.
(Red smoke engulfs the playing space and DADDY SHINE: THE BROKEN LIZARD fades
away.)
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
He is fine.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
He is exceptional.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
His eyes are a dirty brown color, like mud only dirtier.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Which one are we talking about?
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
The dude.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
The man or the boy?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Does it matter?
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
I just don’t want to get in your way.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
My way? What is my way?
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
You can be very aggressive.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Can we please not have this discussion on the floor?
KARAOKE ANGEL# 3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
What I am attempting to communicate here is that we have had conflicts in the
past on which guy each of us is going to approach, which has created competition.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Can’t handle a little competition, “Teenage Jesus FREAK?”
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Great.
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
Is this part of the show?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I have no clue.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
You have a mean streak in you. You know damn well that I didn’t get to
pick my name.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Clearly not. Otherwise you wouldn’t be a Teenage Jesus Freak.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
That’s it. I am not playing anymore.
(KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK) removes her wings and sits on the
end of the stage.)
KAROKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
See what you have done.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Maybe we should call you Teenage Drama Queen. Get off your butt. We have work
to do.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
No. I am not playing.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
(Sigh.)
KARAOKE ANGEL # 3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
You always get aggressive when someone important walks in and I always end up
with his brother or his assistant or the Vice President, or Ben Affleck. It
wouldn’t bother me so much if you would just say “You take him,
I will take him.” And we all knew what our roles are.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN GOWGIRL)
Would you just do it so we can get some work done?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Fine. Whatever. You take the boy. Cowgirl take the man. I’ll take the
girl. It’s been awhile since I’ve seduced a girl anyways.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
I get the boy?
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Yes. The boy.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Good. He’s the one I wanted to begin with.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
And now I am completely out of character. Can we have some music, please?
(KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK) puts her wings back on.)
(The sounds of Kelly Clarkson begin to play.)
(Perhaps Justin Timberlake.)
(Perhaps Hilary Duff.)
(Perhaps Michelle Branch.)
(Perhaps The Flies.)
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
No, no. Not that shit. Something more introspective. Come on, we are trying
to work here.
(The sounds of Massive Attack begin to play.)
(Perhaps Portishead)
(Perhaps Sigar Ros.)
(Perhaps Mogwai.)
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
That’s much better.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Thank you. It’s important to have the right kind of music.
JOHNNY
We’ve been here for five minutes and I am about to fall asleep.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
I am sorry. Are we boring you?
JOHNNY
No. You are annoying me.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENGE JESUS FREAK)
What’s your name?
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
Travis.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
You’re telling me the truth, aren’t you?
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY
Why wouldn’t I?
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Because you are a man.
JOHNNY
Not all men lie.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Yes they do. It just depends on their tone of voice.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Such sharp words from such a pretty young girl.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I’m not young. I just look young.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Come here. I want you to sit on my lap.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
No.
KARAOKE ANGEL#1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Please.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I said no.
KARAOKE ANGEL#1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Pretty please with whip cream and a cherry on top.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I don’t trust you.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
I bet you don’t trust many.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I used to. When I was young.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
When you were younger. You are still young, good lookin’. And you are
a remarkably average woman. Come sit on me. I will make you feel special. That’s
my job. I make everyone feel special.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Is that what whores do?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
We are not whores. We are angels. Come. Sit. I will smell your hair. I bet you
like it when people smell your hair.
(THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER comes to the stage and sits in the chair with the
Angel. She is interviewed with a microphone. The Costumer comes out and begins
to measure Johnny.)
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Don’t you feel safe and secure now?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
No.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Why not? Nothing can hurt you here. You are in the house of The Good Lord.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
(Looking to Johnny.) He can hurt me.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Has he hurt you before?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Yes.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Did he hit you?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
No. He would never do that. He would just kiss me. He kissed me on the neck,
But he wouldn’t kiss me on the mouth. He never kisses me on the mouth.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Was he drunk?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
He’s always drunk.
JOHNNY
I am not always drunk.
(TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY) sits on the edge of the stage. He takes
his gun and places it next to him. He takes off one shoe and sock and begins
to rub his foot.)
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
Do we need to air dirty laundry in front of all these people?
GOD!
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENEAGE JESUS FREAK)
Taking off your shoes in church? I do like confidence. Would you like a drink?
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
I’m not a drinker. I’m too young.
GUT!
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
What’s wrong with him?
JOHNNY
Tourrets. You will get used to it.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
You do know you are all over the news. On the cover of every paper?
(The Costumer gives Johnny a newspaper.)
JOHNNY
“F.B.I. , Vigilantes Hot On Trail of Arsonist, School Gunman.”
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
What are you reading?
JOHNNY
USA Today.
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
Let me se it. (Reading from the paper.) “Authorities and bounty hunters
contracted by the Rev. Fred Phelps have confirmed that an unknown arsonist is
traveling with Travis McNulty, the suspected gunmen in the Columbia High School
shootings in Denver, CO earlier this month that left 41 students and one teacher
dead. Witnesses in Utah and Nevada claim they have seen McNulty (pictured) with
a tall, cool, drink of water.” That’s what it says. Tall, cool,
drink of water. “Authorities believe that the two are headed westward
towards California. Several eyewitnesses also claim that a third party is with
said wanted group, a young pale girl. That’s what it says a young pale
girl. My picture is in the paper. Can I keep this?
KARAOKE ANGEL#2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Of course you can, sweetie.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
A extraordinary killing machine in our very midst. You deserve a spicy drink.
JOHNNY
He is too young for that. Don’t make me say it again.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
How old are you?
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
Why?
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
I was fifteen when I had my first drink. Alcohol is good for you. It makes the
ugly appealing.
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
I need to stay clean.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Gosh. I was hoping you would get dirty.
JOHNNY
She needs you liquored, to vampire you.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Sit down, Johnny, before you fall down.
JOHNNY
I’m not drunk.
(KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL) rubs Johnny’s shoulders.)
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Would you like to be? The night is young. I bet you like this, don’t you?
JOHNNY
Yes.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
He kisses you when he is drunk?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
It’s the only time any man ever kisses me.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
I know. Hurts. Doesn’t it?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Not the way it used to.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Ha! Honey, you and I should go bowling.
(KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK) takes off Travis McNulty (The Subliminal
Boy’s) other shoe, then sits in his lap.)
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Clean is boring, Travis. How about neat? I could bring you a cocktail that is
straight and neat.
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
You like saying that, don’t you? You like saying cocktail.
HA!
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Now that statement showed promise.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Has a man ever kissed you on the mouth?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
No. Have you ever had that?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Yes.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Was it wonderful?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
(Looking to Roscoe Truelock in the audience.) It was none of your business.
He’s a Senator’s boy to most people. But not to me. It’s much
more interesting talking about you.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I’m not interesting.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
You’re sitting on my lap. That is interesting to me.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
(Lifting her shirt.) Travis, do me a favor and rub my stomach.
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
What’s wrong with your stomach?
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
How cute.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Travis I like it when a man rubs my stomach. Put your hand here.
(The boy places his hand on her stomach.)
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Oh. Travis. You take instruction like a professional.
(The Costumer brings a nice suit for Johnny. He strips completely nude of his
old clothes and puts on the suit as he speaks. The suit is similar to that of
The Very Tall Man.)
JOHNNY
You do understand we have no money?
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROEKN COWGIRL)
A man with no shoes has no money? Well, stop the presses, butternut! Better
yet, tell me what you would like to drink.
JOHNNY
I told you, we don’t have any money.
KARAOKE ANGEL#2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
It’s on the house.
JOHNNY
I didn’t see that coming.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
We’ve been preparing for your arrival.
JOHNNY
How thoughtful. I’ll take a glass of Jameson.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Not Maker’s Mark?
JOHNNY
No. I’m not a Maker’s man anymore.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Damn. Our research was all wrong.
JOHNNY
Jameson. In a clean glass. Sally, what do you want to drink?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You know what I drink.
JOHNNY
Vodka. Warm.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Room temperature. Not warm.
JOHNNY
Room temperature.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Bring the bottle, please.
JOHNNY
Bring the bottle. And the kid will have a Coke.
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINALBOY)
Can I have sunflower seeds.
BANG!
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Sunflower seeds.
JOHNNY
He likes sunflower seeds.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Sunflower seeds. Coke. Jameson.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Vodka. Warm, The whole bottle.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROEKN COWGIRL)
What kind of Vodka?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
What kind do you have?
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
How about Cold River?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Never heard of it.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
It’s fancy.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I don’t like fancy. I like simple.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
How about Absolut?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Gordon’s?
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
We aren’t that kind of establishment.
JOHNNY
What’s the well vodka?
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Absolut is the well vodka.
JOHNNY
A bottle of Absolute then.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Thank you for thinking of me, Johnny.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Will you be partaking in anything else this evening?
JOHNNY
I am assuming you are assigned to seduce me.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Not until I get permission. But perhaps I should bring condoms. Or handcuffs.
Or nipple clamps.
JOHNNY
I’m just here to see the lady of the house.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
We are all ladies.
JOHNNY
I mean the chick who runs this joint.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Dorothy Margarita. You are here to see Dorothy Margarita.
JOHNNY
Is she the madam?
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
We don’t use that word around here.
JOHNNY
Well, what word do you use?
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
We just use Dorothy Margarita. Daddy Shine has gone to fetch her.
JOHNNY
Good.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
John. You look very kind in that suit.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Take a load off, Johnny. I’ll get your Jameson. And maybe some condoms
just in case.
(KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL) flies away as Johnny takes a seat next
Roscoe Truelock.)
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
You’re name is Sally. What are you looking for? Sally.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
“What are you looking for?” What do you mean?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
You’re sitting in my lap. You must be looking for something.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I was looking for him, but he refuses to let me find anything.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Then why stay with him?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Because I have nowhere else to go. And he used to excite me.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
But he doesn’t anymore.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I’ve tried to be excited by him. I’ve tried too hard.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
What excites you now?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Nothing. I’m lost and confused.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Do I excite you?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You’re paying attention to me.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1(SHOTGUN BETTY)
Is that a yes?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
It’s whatever you want it to be.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Your hand excites me, Travis. My. You’re breathing hard, Travis. I can
feel your breath on my neck. Are you okay?
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
I…
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Do not talk. Just look at my mouth and listen to the words that are sliding
off my red lips. The words that are bouncing off my tongue. Mm. Travis. You’re
very good at turning me on.
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
Oh. I’m dizzy.
OH!
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Travis. Your pants have become all wet. Perhaps we should take them off.
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
I’m sorry.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Don’t be sorry. You’re not clean any more, Travis. Do you know what
we call that? At The Big Malibu, we call that a free cum.
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
You’re lonely, aren’t you?
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
You are sweet. Your mud colored eyes are very sweet.
(KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK) stands up and takes off her wings.)
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
I’m not doing this anymore.
KARAOKE ANGEL#1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Sit back down. You are breaking the illusion.
(Silence.)
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
I need a minute to get back into character. Forgive me. Your honesty makes me
think of better times. Um. My. I like your accent, Travis. Texas? Oklahoma?
JOHNNY
He’s from Colorado. You know that.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
I’m not talking to you. God. This gets harder and harder every fucking
night.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Stay in character.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
DON’T TELL ME HOW TO ACT!
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
I am not telling you how to act. I am reminding you to maintain an even strength.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Of course. I was wrong. I apologize.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Apology accepted.
KARAOKE ANGEL#3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Apology accepted. Right. Nice. Travis, where were we? If memory serves, you
were getting dizzy. Do you feel ill? Should I take yourtemperature?
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
I feel faint.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Would you like painkillers?
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
Yes, please.
(KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK) removes a bottle from her cleavage
and produces two pills for the young lad. KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
returns with the drinks and sunflower seeds.)
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
(To The Ghost of Sally Singer.) Vodka.
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
I can’t swallow pills.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
(To Johnny.) Devil juice.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Then I will turn them into powder.
(KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK) crushes the pills between her finger
and feeds them to Travis McNulty (The Subliminal Boy).)
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Eat. Me. Travis. I like your name. My favorite rock and roll band is called
Travis.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
(Giving the Coke to Travis McNulty (The Subliminal Boy)) Wash it down with this,
honey.
JOHNNY
What was that?
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
I said it was a painkiller, didn’t I? You need to clean them ears out,
Johnny.
(KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL) gives the sunflower seeds toKARAOKE
ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK). She in turn feeds them to Travis McNulty
(The Subliminal Boy.))
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
This is bothering me. All of these people are watching us.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
We can blindfold them, if you like. (To the audience.) Ladies and gentleman
you have blindfolds tied to the leg of each seat. Would you please remove them
from the leg and place them over your eyes. Our guests of honor are getting
rather nervous with your watchful eyes peeping down upon them. Does anyone need
assistance? Who needs help? Just raise your hand.
(Audience members should take the blindfolds from their chairs and place them
over their eyes. Stagehands should assist, if assistance is need. If audience
members decide not to blindfold themselves, KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
should respond with “None for you? I like your style. See me after the
extravaganza.”)
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Are we comfortable now, Sally?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
No.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Then what would make you relax?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I don’t think I can relax with people like you.
KARAOKE ANGEL#3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
People like us? Whatever, I like feeding you, Travis.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Why can’t you relax around us, Sally?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I know people like you.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
And who are people like us?
THE GHOST SALLY SINGER
Monsters in picture shows. You are vampires. Sirens, calling to young sailors.
You prey on people for money.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Vampires. What a pointed thing to say.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Don’t get leeching confused with capitalism, Sally. We are businesswomen.
Look at my lips. They can make you my very good friend for an hour at a time.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
For money.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
We are angels, Sally. We will love you regardless of your skin color. And we
can make you happy. We can make anyone happy.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You can’t make people happy.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
I bet you are the kind of girl that relaxes when she is kissed on the mouth.
Not on the neck, on the mouth. I would like to kiss you on the mouth.
JOHNNY
Kissing on the mouth doesn’t relax a woman.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Fuck you, John.
(THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER goes to the end of the stage with the vodka and
turns her back on the rest.)
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
You’re gun is very big and hard, Travis. How many people did you kill
in Colorado?
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINALBOY)
I only shot one person.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
That is not what the television told me. Was it exciting?
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
The time of my life. Do you want to hear more?
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
You bet. Do you think of killing people when you masturbate?
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
Not with a gun.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Then. How?
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
I hang them. With my belt. I hang them for laughing at me.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Oh. Would you like to hang me?
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
Never.
KARAOKEANGEL #3 (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
You are so cute. Killing all those people, did it turn you on? Did it make you
want to F.U. C. K?
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
I didn’t kill all those people.
AGH!
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Now, Travis, I can smell a lie like a fart in car.
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
I am not lying. I only shot one girl.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Then why do you have only one bullet left?
TARVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
I wounded the others.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Travis, this is America. Everyone is wounded. But the girl, you’ll admit
to killing her, right?
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
She was praying under the lunch table.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Did you get her blood on your clothes?
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
Her blood hit my shoulder.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Did it make you hard?
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Yes.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Do you know what the word aroused means, Travis?
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
It means horny.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Good boy, Travis, Now tell me what makes you aroused?
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
Why?
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Because I am gonna make you aroused if it fuckin’ kills me.
JOHNNY
You clearly already did.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
I am having a conversation with Travis now. I’ll play with you later.
Travis, what else do you think of when you are aroused? It’s okay. The
audience isn’t looking.
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINALBOY)
I can’t tell you.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Of course you can. You can tell me anything.
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
I think of a man with black skin. He has a bald shaved head and large hands.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
And what about this man? Do you kill him? Do you lynch the black man with your
belt?
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
He has no shirt on and holds men from behind. He talks like Sally. Softly.
OH!
KARAOKE ANGEL#3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
And then you murder him.
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
No. He holds me. And never says a word about the way I talk.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Are you a homosexual, Travis?
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
No.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
But the thought of a man makes you hot.
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
No it does not.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Do you imagine having sex with the black man?
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINALBOY)
No.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Then what do you think of when you think of the black bald man? Don’t
you murder him?
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBIMINAL BOY)
I told you. He holds me.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
And?
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
I can feel his penis get hard against me leg.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
That is it. This is sick, and I am done. Take your blindfolds off. Everybody
take their blindfolds off, I can’t believe you put them on in the first
place.
TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY)
I’m sorry.
JOHNNY
You’ve done nothing wrong, Travis.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
You are a gay. It’s sick. It’s all sick. This is all sick! You do
know homosexuality is a illness, a disease. It’s a curse. It’s like
being bitten by a werewolf. God, you came on me. You came on my leg. Haven’t
you read the bible? God doesn’t want you to fuck black bald men. Homosexuals
die in the gutter. Why do you think we have the AIDS virus?
JOHNNY
AIDS can infect straights too.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
But God gave us AIDS to kill the queers. It’s in the bible somewhere,
and the word of God is gold. That is why we have “in God we trust on our
money.” His word is gold!
KARAOKE ANGEL#1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Calm down.
JOHNNY
You have sex with women, don’t you?
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
I have sex with women for money, motherfucker. It’s not the same. I am
a student at USC. I have to pay my tuition somehow. God understands that. This
is the best job I can get. Do you know what they pay at Jack In The Box?
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
That is enough. You have broken the illusion and insulted the audience. You
will win them back.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Oh, fuck that! I want to be normal. I want to have a normal life!
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
You will restore the illusion, or you will be removed.
(Silence. THE VERY LARGE MAN takes the stage.)
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Fine. But I am not doing it alone.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Fine.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Fine.
(The song You Got It by Roy Orbinson begins to play and the words are projected on the televisions. All three of the Karaoke Angels take the stage. KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY) and KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL) perform a choreographed piece to the song as KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK) takes the microphone and sings, shaken and out of character. THE VERY LARGE MAN disappears.)
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
(Singing.)
Every time I look into your lovely eyes
I see a love that money just can’t buy
One look from you, I drift away
I pray that you are here to stay
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Anything you want
ALL
You got it.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Anything you need
ALL
You got it.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Anything at all
ALL
You got it.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Baby!
Every time I hold you I begin to understand
Everything about you tells me I’m your (wo)man
I live my life to be with you
No one
ALL
No one.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Can do
ALL
Can do.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
The things
ALL
The things.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
You do. Anything you want
ALL
You got it.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Anything you need
ALL
You got it.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Anything at all
ALL
You got it.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Baby!
Anything you want
Anything you need
Anything at all
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)/KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Do-do-do-do. Do-do-do.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
(A primal scream.) AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)/KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Do-do-do-do. Do-do-do. You got it!
(KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK) snaps into character like a drugged
robot in a fantasyland and joins the choreography with the others.)
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
I’m so glad to give my love to you.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)/KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
La-la-la
KARAOKE ANGEL#3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
I know you feel the way I do.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)/KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
La-la-la
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Anything you want, you got it.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)/KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
La-La-la
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Anything you need, you got it.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)/KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
La-la-la
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Anything at all, you got it.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)/KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
La-la-la
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Baby!
ALL
Anything you want, you got it
Anything you need, you got it
Anything at all, you got it
Baby
Anything at all
Baby
ALL
You got it
(Silence. KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK) throws the microphone
to the ground.)
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Come on, little boy. I’m gonna coach you into manhood.
(KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK) takes Travis McNulty (The Subliminal
Boy) by the arm and exits.)
KARAOKE ANGEL#1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Thank Christ. I thought she was never gonna take him to a room.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
She does like the drama. You know what it is? She thinks she is living in a
Neil Young song.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
It’s never about the group with her. It’s never about the audience.
It’s always about her and how much attention she is getting. She doesn’t
even care how much money she makes. Oh, B.T.W…
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROEKN COWGIRL)
B.T.W?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
BY-THE-WAY, do you mind if I take five minutes to recharge my batteries?
KARAOKEANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
I was about to ask you the same thing.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
You and I are always on the same page.
KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Everybody wins.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
You know, my wings are killing me tonight.
KARAOKE ANGEL # 2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
That is because you don’t do your 8 Minute Abs. If you did sit-ups you
could support the weight better. I am getting a Bacardi. You want anything?
KARAOKE ANGEL#1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
I’m fine. Thank You.
(KARAOKE ANGEL # 2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL) exits. KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
takes off her wings, goes to Roscoe Truelock in the audience and straddles his
lap. She runs her fingers through his hair.)
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
You made me very jealous with that girl sitting on you.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Good.
(JOHNNY goes to THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER.)
JOHNNY
I wish you wouldn’t be so mad at me.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You’re wishes are all used up with me. We are here. We have made it. We
are in the church at the end of the world. Just leave me be.
JOHNNY
No. I’m not gonna leave you alone.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You give things and then you take them away. You treat me like a coyote girl.
JOHNNY
A dog?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
No. A coyote girl. The girl you will bight your arm off rather than wake her
up after a cloudy night of drinking. Like a coyote in a trap. I’m a girl
you regret. A girl you changed your mind about. Admit it. Admit and let me go.
JOHNNY
When have I ever said that?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You don’t need to John. I’m not mad at you Johnny, I am mad at myself.
I should have known, I should have known about you.
JOHNNY
I never said I didn’t care about. Maybe you came on to strong.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Now it is all my fault. I never came on strong until you kissed me.
JOHNNY
I had been drinking. And I take responsibility for that. I admit I was drunk.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I know. I was there. But you clearly weren’t.
JOHNNY
I’m the same guy then that I am now.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
No you’re not. No you are not. You talk to me different. You say different
words. You talk to me like a child.
JOHNNY
What do you want from me? You want me to say something sweet?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I want you to admit that you don’t like me. I want you to admit you made
a mistake.
JOHNNY
I haven’t made a mistake, Kid.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Of course you haven’t. I’m the one that has made the mistake. You
never started calling me Kid until the mourning after I made it clear that I
wanted you.
JOHNNY
And now you want me to admit that I am a mean motherfucker.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I want you to admit the truth.
JOHNNY
What do you think would happen if I said those three big words to you? That
is what you want, isn’t it?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I want to feel safe.
JOHNNY
You are safe. I promised your father to protect you from The Devil, and here
we are. The church to end all churches. The Devil will never find us here.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Well, I don’t feel safe. And I don’t feel loved. What are the three
“big” words?
JOHNNY
One: I. Two: Love. Three…
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I don’t want to hear it come out of your mouth.
JOHNNY
Is that what you think of? Is that what you think of when you think about me?
Is that what you think of when you think of the time I kissed you? When I kissed
you in Santa Fe.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I don’t think of that. I dream it.
JOHNNY
You fantasize about it.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
No. I dream it.
JOHNNY
What do you think could happen? We could get married? That I could bring you
to this church and get married? Have children? You’re a ghost, Sally.
You defy all logic. How in the Hell could I get you pregnant?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
We could try. We could at least make an effort. But I never said that. You just
jumped to that very-very painful conclusion.
JOHNNY
Then tell me. Show me the way. What is your conclusion if I said those three
big words?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
We would open a tearoom.
JOHNNY
A tearoom.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
A tearoom. We would serve hundreds of teas and serve cucumber sandwiches.
JOHNNY
Where did you get this idea? I don’t even drink tea.
(Silence.)
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
When you kissed me, you said my hair smelled like green tea.
JOHNNY
Sally. I don’t know what to say to you.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
At least you are talking to me. Would you like some of my vodka? I want very
much to get you very-very drunk. That’s why I ordered the bottle.
JOHNNY
Sally. I like you…
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You like me.
JOHNNY
I’m not ready to say much more than that right now. Not with the police
and bounty hunters and The Devil looking for us. Not in front of all these people.
And I am sorry I haven’t been able to give you the attention you deserve.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Don’t confuse attention for affection.
JOHNNY
I don’t want you to hate me.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
If I hated you, I wouldn’t be talking to you right now. If I hated you,
I wouldn’t want to cut your hair. It’s getting shaggy.
JOHNNY
I wish I could take all this back. I wish I could travel back in time and take
all this back.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Don’t say that.
JOHNNY
People are dead. People are hurt. I should have just stayed in Ohio. I wish
I had never burned any churches.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Well, you can’t. We’ve been running for days. We have no more ground
to cover. We are at the ocean. We are at the end of the world.We have nowhere
else to run. Do you know what the Mexicans say about the Pacific Ocean? They
say it has no memory.
JOHNNY
Yeah. I know.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Maybe we can go for a swim and forget about all of this. Johnny, what is your
last name?
JOHNNY
Does it matter?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I don’t know. Does it?
JOHNNY
Sturgeon. My name last name is Sturgeon.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You’re named after a fish.
JOHNNY STURGEON
That’s why most people just call me Johnny.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Johnny and Sally Sturgeon. The Sturgeon Tea Room.
JOHNNY STURGEON
Do you like that?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Yes. But I think I will just call you Johnny. You’re thirty-one years
old and you are still a boy.
JOHNNY
You are a good girl, Sally.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Better than I should be.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
You are going bald.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
I’m doing it on purpose.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
You are? There’s a small patch of skin right here at the top of your skull.
If I tell you my name, will you not join the army?
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
Why would I not join the army?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Because I asked kindly. Because you listen to the words I speak. Because you
don’t like it when I use the word “Please.”
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
I saw a recipe in a magazine called fish in crazy water. I want to cook it for
you.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
I’m a vegetarian. If I tell you my name, will you please not join the
army?
ROSOCE TRUELOCK
I have to go. You know that.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
What if I never let you leave here? No one will ever take you away and we can
go to room 42 where they will never find us.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
I said no.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
When it is all said and done. When you have burned all the churches down and
killed all the people and the audience has gone home, willyou go shopping for
tea with me?
JOHNNY
Yes.
(THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER pours vodka in his mouth. Red smoke begins to rise
from the stage.)
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Don’t lie to me.
JOHNNY
Not all men lie, Sally.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Yes they do. And I feel if though I shouldn’t be lied too. I love you
because you are the only person I ever met who hated their father and admitted
it. You hate your father as much as I hate my father. I love you. Those are
the three big words. I thought the three big words were “Are You 18?”(The
two laugh, and are then silent.)
(DADDY SHINE: THE BROKEN LIZARD comes up from the floor. THE VERY LARGE MAN
begins to clean the stage.)
DADDY SHINE: THE BROKEN LIZARD
Please, take a seat in the audience. Dorothy Margarita is ready for her entrance.
(JOHNNY and THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER go to the audience.)
DADDY SHINE: THE BROKENLIZARD
Ladies and gentleman. Boys and girls. Twats and tots. Something special is in
the air tonight. Can you hear it, can you taste it, can you smell it, can you
see it coming at your nose at super sonic speed? We have the good fortune, no
the great fortune that we have the femme fatale, a Cleopatra, the first lady
of the western world taking the stage tonight. She’s a Joan of Arc, an
explosive bombastic babe that makes the Virgin Mary look like an unwashed bathmat.
She knows if you have been naughty, she’s knowing if you’ve been
nice, she knows if you deserve a good rump spankin’ or a tasty treat on
your tongue. She’s Mrs. Claus, bringing you holiday cheer twenty four-seven
on the three sixty-five, she’s the power rock on your FM dial, the talk
smack on the AM. She’s the HBO on the Cable box. She’s a boxer with
straight teeth. She’s the Mary Anne on your Gilligan’s Island, the
Katie Couric of your daily news. She’s the Devil’s worse nightmare,
and God’s best pal! Rumor has it, she screws like car bomb. When you hear
her sing you might say “Golly! Has an angel dropped from heaven?”
And the answer is…Fuck. Yeah. Ladies and Gentleman. Please welcome to
the stage, Dorothy Margarita!
(Trumpets sound. The world cracks open and white light floods the playing space.
Glitter drops from the sky. Emerging from the center of light is a team of brawny
men dressed as Roman warriors. Perhaps cowboys. Perhaps samurais. Perhaps police
officers. Perhaps Baywatch lifeguards. Perhaps firefighters. Perhaps construction
workers. Perhaps wearing nothing but Viking helmets and cock rings. Their names
are Salami Sunshine, Both Dakota’s Dave, Lonnie Colada, and Rufus the
Naughty. Not that it matters. On their shoulders is a bed made of silk, and
on that bed is DOROTHY MARGARITA. She is dressed as Marie Antoinette. Perhaps
a kung fu princess. Perhaps Joan of Arc. Perhaps Joan Jett. Her entourage stops
before the microphone, delivers her from the bed softly, and disappear.)
DOROTHY MARGARITA
(Taking the microphone.) My. What a modest introduction. Before we start, I’ve
heard a few audience members have been bad mouthing the show. I insist those
individuals leave before we continue.
(Planted audience members exit.)
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Good. But those weren’t the people I was talking about. I will continue
anyways. Because I am a lady.
(The technicians and the stagehands applaud.)
DOROTHY MARAGITA
Yes. Yes. I am the nice one. I understand that we’ve already had a Roy
Orbinson song tonight. Well, this is my house, and I say we shall have another.
(The technicians and the stagehands applaud.)
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Yes. Yes. I already said I am the nice one. We don’t need to keep hearing
those noises your hands make. Goodness. I would like to dedicate this song to
our celebrity guest of honor. A very handsome man. The Jesus Christ of church
burners. Maestro.
(THE VERY LARGE MAN begins to play a mandolin. Perhaps an accordion. Perhaps
a guitar. Perhaps a viola.)
DOROTHY MARGARITA
I don’t sing to those karaoke tapes. It’s not my style.
(Singing to Johnny.)
A candy-colored clown they call the sandman
Tiptoes to my room every night
Just to sprinkle stardust and to whisper
Go to sleep. Everything is all right.
I close my eyes, then I drift away
Into the magic night. I softly say
A silent prayer like dreamers do.
Then I fall asleep to dream my dreams of you.
In dreams I walk with you. In dreams I talk to you.
In dreams you’re mine. All of the time we’re together
In dreams, in dreams.
But just before the dawn, I awake and find you gone.
I can’t help it, I can’t help it, if I cry.
I remember that you said goodbye.
It’s too bad that all these things, can only happen in my dreams
Only in dreams in beautiful dreams
(Applause breaks out.)
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Please. Please. No applause. Now, I have decided
to have some privacy with our guest of honor. Shotgun Betty, take the ghost
girl and clean her up. The rest of you, go to the parking lot and take a smoke
break.
ROSCOE TURELOCK
But we can smoke in here.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Just leave, Roscoe.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
I paid full admission.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
God. Damn. Alright. Alright. If you paid full admission you can stay. If not,
please go to the parking lot.
DADDY SHINE: THE BROKEN LIZARD
What if you work here?
DOROTHY MARGARITA
I’ll tell you what, just do whatever you want.
(Some people leave. Some people stay. KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY) takes
The Ghost of Sally Singer by the hand.)
KARAOKE ANGEL#1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Come with me. I’ll make you clean.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Do I have a choice?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
What do you think?
(KARAOKE ANGEL#1 (SHOTGUN BETTY) flies The Ghost of Sally Singer into the sky.)
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Do I have to ask you to sit next to me?
(JOHNNY goes to her. He does not look at her. They sit in silence for four
minutes and forty-seven seconds.)
DOROTHY MARGARITA
You look healthy. I like your hair. It’s longer than I remember.
JOHNNY
The last time you saw my hair you were shaving my head.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
That was to teach you a lesson.
JOHNNY
You always shaved my head when you caught me smoking.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
That is because smoking is a filthy habit. What was I supposed to do? Ground
you? You would have sneaked away after I turned off thelights.
JOHNNY
You could have hit me.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
I don’t do things that way. Now, have you been eating your vegetables?
JOHNNY
When I can.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
That is not an acceptable answer. Now, have you been eating your vegetables,
John?
JOHNNY
When I can.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Fine. Be that way. Would you at least tell me who has been taking care of you?
JOHNNY
I am the one who takes care of myself.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
You are a grown man now.
JOHNNY
I have been grown for 15 years. I’ve had a job. I’ve been married.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
You had a wedding?
JOHNNY
When I was 18.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
My invitation must have been lost in the mail.
JOHNNY
Yeah. Mother. You’re invite must have been lost in the mail.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Do you have pictures?
JOHNNY
No.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Will you send some to me?
JOHNNY
No, Mom. I don’t have pictures of my wedding at all.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
That is sad. You should have pictures of your wedding. Can you describe it for
me? The wedding. Will you describe it for me? I can get you crayons and you
can draw it for me. The way you used to draw your days at school for me.
JOHNNY
I’m not gonna draw you a picture of my wedding with Crayola crayons.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
It doesn’t have to be Crayola crayons. We can get you K-Mart brand, you
always liked those better anyways. Or you could draw a picture with your words.
You were always so good at talking. Where was your wedding?
JOHNNY
Columbus.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Which Columbus?
JOHNNY
What do you mean “Which Columbus?”
DOROTHY MARGARITA
There are many towns named Columbus. Columbus, IN. Columbus, NM.
JOHNNY
Ohio, Mother. We got married in Columbus, OH. We got married at the zoo and
had Subway sandwiches do the catering. They made those six foot long party subs
with all the fixin’s, and potato chips and Doritos.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
That sounds cute. Did Subway make your cake?
JOHNNY
No, Mom. We didn’t have a cake.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Not every wedding has to have a cake. Does your wife work?
JOHNNY
She ain’t my wife no more. We was only married for a week.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
She is not my wife anymore. We were only married for a week.
JOHNNY
Right, Mom.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Do I know this girl?
JOHNNY
You know her. She was one of my girls when I was in high school.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
You had two girls in high school if I recall. Two at the same time.
JOHNNY
You recall correctly, Mother.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
And which one was your wife?
JOHNNY
Annie.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Annie. And did we have intercourse with Annie?
JOHNNY
What do you think?
DOROTHY MARGARITA
I asked you a question. Did you have intercourse with Annie?
JOHNNY
Did I fuck her? Is that what you want know? Yeah, Mother. I fucked Annie. I
fucked her in the bathroom of the zoo, right before she came walking down the
aisle. And I could smell the semen on her dress as she walked towards me. Everyone
could. Even the justice of the peace. But that wasn’t the first fuck we
had. The first time I fucked her was in your bed. When I was fourteen. When
you were out on a date. I lost my virginity that night. In your bed.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
You will never speak to me this way again.
JOHNNY
I fucked her so hard you can still smell her on my skin.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
YOU will never speak to me this way again.
JOHNNY
(Smelling his hands.) Smells like a woman’s soap. After that, whenever
I wanted to masturbate, I would go to your bed. Back to the scene of the crime.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
STOP IT! YOU WILL NEVER SPEAK TO ME THAT WAY AGAIN! You will now say you are
sorry.
JOHNNY
I’m sorry.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
I ‘m sorry what?
JOHNNY
I am sorry, Mother.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Do you know who I am? I am Dorothy Margarita. I am not your mommy anymore. I
am a goddess! I am made of iron and silk! The wealthiest Japanese businessmen
eat sushi off my stomach. The Prime Minister of England has licked sea salt
off my neck. The President of the United States sends me a dress made of fresh
cut flowers every year for Easter. They never raise their voice to me, they
never curse at me, and they are never vulgar. I am the greatest woman to ever
live. You are no one. You are a felon, and I could buy and sell you ten times
in a minute. Say “I am sorry, Dorothy Margarita.”
JOHNNY
I am sorry. Dorothy. Margarita.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
If it was anyone else, any other man, if it was the Pope, I would have you murdered
and I would piss in your dead mouth. You will never be vulgar in this house.
This is a house of worship, this is house of faith.
JOHNNY
Faith in what? Dorothy. Margarita.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Do you like calling me that? Because I am not going to let you call me Mother
again. Faith, John. Faith in the American Dream. I have the best bartenders
on the Pacific coast. The best songs, the best chairs, the softest beds. I have
the best girls. They can sing and dance and fly like angels, and they can make
any man or woman feel like they are walking on the moon for an hour at a time.
You can get high as a kite, sing a song, and say howdy to God all under one
roof. This is the greatest church in the history of civilization. Hell, if I
sold guns and stamps no one would every leave.
JOHNNY
This is a whorehouse, Mom. This isn’t a church or club. You’re the
madam of the best time on earth. You’re a madam of a whorehouse. Don’t
get me wrong, Mom, it’s a nice whorehouse, the karaoke thing is cute.
But people have to pay for salvation here.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
People pay for salvation everywhere. People put money in the collection plate
of every church, just to feel a little better about themselves.
JOHNNY
That may be, but it won’t change the fact that this is still a whorehouse.
How did you get here?
DOROTHY MARGARITA
I was sad in Ohio.
JOHNNY
You were with me.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
I never felt like I was with you. I never felt like I was with anyone. Your
father left when you were young, but that doesn’t matter. He never mattered.
Your half-brother was around, sometimes, but I never felt safe around him. I
didn’t like the way he smiled at me. And one night you were off with one
of those girls, one of your two girlfriends. I think you were at the prom. And
I was watching Cowboy Bob’s Movie Round-Up on
(DOROTHY MARGARITA Cont.)
Channel 4. And I saw two people kissing on the beach, I saw Burt Lancaster kissing
a girl on the beach. And I wanted that. I deserved that. I felt like I had put
up with so much in life that I deserved to have Burt Lancaster kiss me on the
beach. So I got in my car and drove. I didn’t pack anything. I just drove.
Did you notice I had left?
JOHNNY
Not ‘til the next morning.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
You brought that girl home from the prom, didn’t you?
JOHNNY
Yes.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Was it Annie?
JOHNNY
No.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
The other one?
JOHNNY
Yeah.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
What was her name?
JOHNNY
Lynn.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Lynn. That is the one I remember. Did you make love to her that night?
JOHNNY
Sort of.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
In my bed?
JOHNNY
Yes.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Had you been drinking?
JOHNNY
Yes.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
What? What were you drinking?
JOHNNY
Mad Dog 20/20.
(Silence.)
DOROTHY MARGARITA
And you didn’t know I was gone until the morning.
JOHNNY
No, Mom. I didn’t realize.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
And that is exactly why I left, John.
JOHNNY
I was angry that you left. I was angry that you weren’t home to see me
in my rented tuxedo.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
I wanted to see that. I really did. What has happened to your wife?
JOHNNY
We were married for a week and then I cheated on her.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
With Lynn?
JOHNNY
With Lynn.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Weren’t Annie and Lynn friends?
JOHNNY
Lynn was the Maid of Honor.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Oh, John. I thought I raised you better than that. I feel like a failure of
a mother.
JOHNNY
You raised me just fine. I loved both of them. I just didn’t know how
to make it all work. I didn’t know how to make everyone happy.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
You’re father used to say that. He would say that before he left for the
night.
JOHNNY
You’ve never spoke to me about dad before.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Yes I did. You just didn’t like to hear what I had to say. Like the time
we met. I was alone and the neighbors were gone. All the lights were out, and
back then people didn’t lock doors in the country. We didn’t even
have locks to lock. You’re grandparents were out at the drive–in
to see a picture. And I stayed at home. It was too hot to go out. There were
lightening bugs in the air. I took off my clothes and put my father’s
old high school football jersey on, that is what I slept in when I was a teenager.
I heard a rush of wind, something moving by me. The next thing I knew I was
thrown to my stomach and father’s football jersey was pulled over my head
and wrapped around my wrists. Do you remember me telling you this?
JOHNNY
You have never told me this.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Yes. I have. A big hand, a hand the size of a truck tire wrapped around my waist
from behind and pushed up on my stomach. And I felt a sensation in my rectum.
It wasn’t painful, but it wasn’t pleasant. I didn’t know to
scream. I didn’t know to say “no.” It was all like dreaming.
Until I could smell metal. Until I felt my rectum getting wet and I realized
I was bleeding. I was pulled to my knees as he finished, and there I was. 16
years old. Naked. In my own bed. The same bed I had slept every night since
I was 6, being sodomized by a stranger, with my father’s high school football
jersey holding my hands in place. And when that stranger was done, he cleaned
himself with my pillow case and said” isn’t this nice?” He
thought he was doing something nice with me. Not to me, with me. And then he
disappeared. That is what living in Ohio was like. That is what living in Ohio
was like for 50 years. When your grandparents got home and saw my naked body,
bleeding, my father screamed and yelled and got his hammer from his toolbox
and called his brothers and they went looking for the man who had done this
to my father’s only child. But they couldn’t find anyone so they
smashed the window of the barbershop to calm down. My Mother sat down on the
floor and just looked at me. She never helped. She never offered a blanket.
She said I had to clean my father’s football jersey and she never spoke
of that night again. I don’t know why but I knew she blamed me. She just
kept saying “Your father’s football jersey is ruined.”
JOHNNY
I never knew this. Why are you telling me this?
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Because you are my son, John. Do you not want to hear me say these things?
JOHNNY
No, Mom. Tell me whatever you want.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Two years later I graduated from high school and had a scholarship to attend
Bowling Green University. I was going to be a cheerleader and study English.
And be a schoolteacher. But on that summer, at the county fair, I met a tall
man with large hands. He bought me an elephant ear and won the watermelon seed-spitting
contest. He took me on the Ferris wheel, and we got to the top and the sun was
setting and we got to the top and he whispered in my ear “Isn’t
this nice?” And I knew it was him.
JOHNNY
Mom…
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Don’t interrupt me. When I was sodomized, I didn’t cry. I just vomited.
I vomited all I ate and more. The tall man with the big hands took me on date
after date after date. To the pictures and we went swimming and bowling. He
stole a truck from my neighbor and took me to Columbus and I had my very first
pizza. It had pepperoni on it and it was the hottest thing I had ever eaten
in my life. And he got me drunk on yellow wine. He got me drunk and took me
to the justice of the peace. He got a ring out of a gumball machine. A Green
Lantern ring and slapped it on my finger. It was the only ring your father could
afford. When we came home, your grandfather said he didn’t care what your
father did for a living. He could be a ditch digger, as long as he was the best
ditch digger in the world. My mother just looked at the ring and said not a
word. And she made me drop out of college. I didn’t take a single class,
or cheer a single cheer. I had to be a “wife” now. When I dropped
out of Bowling Green, my mother said “You don’t feel so high and
mighty now, do you?” Like she had gotten revenge.
JOHNNY
Why have you not told me this before?
DOROTHY MARGARITA
I have. You just never listened to me.
JOHNNY
No you haven’t. Not that last part.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
When I left you, you were18. I’ve never thought you where old enough to
hear that story. Not until now. Living with your father was difficult. He was
older, more distant. He had your brother with another woman. Your father loved
his pills and his music, and other women. Hm. He never wanted to listen to my
music. He was a thief. A drinker. When we separated, I became a nun just to
make him angry. We would get back together about twelve or thirteen times. I
wasn’t a very good nun. One night he came back, smelling of whiskey and
women, and I was watching the television, and you were asleep, and he threw
me on my stomach and separated my legs and wrapped his hands around my hips
and whispered “Isn’t this nice” into my left ear. He thought
he was doing something nice with me. All the lights were on. The TV was on.
Johnny Carson was on. That was the first time I was afraid of your father. And
when he was finished, he cleaned himself with a throw pillow and passed out
on the coffee table. I didn’t cry. I vomited everything I ate and more,
but your father never saw me cry. I crawled to my room and locked the door,
we had locks then. In the morning your father was gone and that was the end
of all that.
JOHNNY
How old was I in all this?
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Maybe a week old. Maybe two. It wasn’t easy being a single mother. I did
what I could for money.
JOHNNY
I remember you used to work the phones for AT&T.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Your father would drop by every three months with cans of soup and some baseball
cards for you. Maybe some cheap chocolates for me. But I never let him in the
house.
JOHNNY
You are allergic to chocolate.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Your father didn’t care. He never took the time to remember that.
JOHNNY
Raul helped.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Your brother helped some. He sent money when he became famous. But he was your
brother and not my son, and I didn’t want him bringing around his friends,
all the rock stars and the Hell’s Angels when he was working for Rolling
Stone Magazine. When you went to the prom that night, when you went to the prom
and I saw Burt Lancaster on the television, I thought it was my time. You were
grown and going to dances. And it was fine for me to do things for myself. You
didn’t want me in your life anyways.
JOHNNY
That’s not true. I never said anything like that.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
You never made me feel welcome.
JOHNNY
I was 18.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
I don’t care. You never made me feel welcome. I never felt loved.
JOHNNY
I did. I just didn’t know how to show it.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
You could show it to those other girls. You could show it to Lynn. And What’s-her-name.
JOHNNY
Those were girls, Mom. You’re my mother.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
I was your mother. I’m just your madam now. Do you still love me, John?
Do you still love me after all these years?
JOHNNY
I don’t know what to say to that.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
It’s not a fair question, is it? Do you still love Lynn and what’s-her-name?
JOHNNY
Annie. I don’t know if I have been in love. When I was in high school
I thought I had all the answers. I thought I was clever. Now, I don’t
know what the questions are anymore.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Do you want to be in love?
JOHNNY
Why?
DOROTHY MARGARITA
I can do that for you. I have money. Girls. I can give you whatever you want.
I can make you happy. Are you happy?
JOHNNY
No.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Why?
JOHNNY
Because, I hate myself.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
That’s because you don’t feel loved. I can change all that. You’ve
just never been with the right girl. Do you want a red head? An Asian? A Polish
girl? I can make them look however you want. Malibu has the best plastic surgeons
in the world. I can have a girl cut to look however you want. Jennifer Love
Hewitt. Chelsea Clinton. I bet you’re a big Chelsea Clinton fan. I bet
you’d like to have Chelsea Clinton bring you breakfast in bed everyday
or give you a hand job in a movie theatre.
JOHNNY
I don’t want to wake up next to anyone.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Yes you do. Everyone does. I’ve had 136 operations so men will still want
to wake up next to me. Look at me. Look at me and tell me who I remind you of.
JOHNNY
No. I’m not playing this game with you.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
John, look at me and tell who I look like.
JOHNNY
You look like Lynn. You look like my ex-girlfriend.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
So. I do have the best plastic surgeons in the world. I knew you would be a
church burner. When your father left, you just cursed God. And I built this
place so you would come to me. I knew you would come find me some day. I knew
you would come find me and I wanted to be appealing. When you were a child,
you looked at the ground when you spoke with me. This is the first time you
have looked at me when we talked.
JOHNNY
I didn’t come all this way to talk with you.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Don’t tell me that.
JOHNNY
I came all this way to talk with you but not like this.
(JOHNNY looks away.)
JOHNNY
I need to have an honest conversation with you.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Nothing is honest anymore. Nothing is real. Oh. God. You are dying aren’t
you?
JOHNNY
This is why I hate women so fuckin’ much. You all make up crap in your
head. No, Dorothy, I am not dying.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
What do you want to talk about?
JOHNNY
The girl that is with me…
DOROTHY MARGARITA
The ghost…
JOHNNY
Sally. I’m protecting her from The Devil. Have you met The Devil?
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Yes. The Devil still owes me $200.
JOHNNY
I’m not gonna ask why.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
No you really shouldn’t. Why protect this girl?
JOHNNY
Because I wanted to do something right before I die. I started burning churches
because I thought I was right and I thought I was angry. And burning churches
let me say good-bye to Dad, and Raul, and now you. I didn’t know it at
the time, but I know now. And when I realized I was wrong, I realized I should
have done things differently, it was all too fuckin’ late. And I realize
saving Sally Singer from The Devil was maybe the best thing I could ever do.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
What do you want from me, John?
JOHNNY
I want you to make Sally Singer one of your angels, and hide her from the Devil.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Tell me you love me.
JOHNNY
I can’t do that.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Then at least tell me you love yourself. You can lie, I just want to hear you
say it.
JOHNNY
No.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Have you had intercourse with this girl?
JOHNNY
Mother.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Have you had intercourse with this girl?
JOHNNY
No, Mom. I haven’t fucked her.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Why not?
JOHNNY
Because I thought it would be wrong.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Do you enjoy sex?
JOHNNY
No. I don’t enjoy sex.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Then why do it?
JOHNNY
Because. It makes others happy. I can make women happy.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
How do you feel when you orgasm?
JOHNNY
I don’t think I should be telling my mother this.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
I am not your mother anymore. I am Dorothy Margarita. How do you feel when you
have an orgasm?
JOHNNY
Ashamed.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Why?
JOHNNY
I feel like I have let people down.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
When you burn churches, do you feel ashamed?
JOHNNY
Never.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Good. I will consider taking your Sally, but promise nothing. I want you to
do something for me.
(DOROTHY MARGARITA snaps her fingers. KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
descends from the sky.)
KARAOKE ANGEL#2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Yes, Dorothy Margarita?
DOROTHY MARGARITA
John, this is The Broken Cowgirl. Her real name is (The first name of the actress
playing KARAOKE ANGEL#2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL.) (Name of actress…) this
is my son. Take him to my bed. Allow him to call you by your real name. Don’t
use a condom. Let him ejaculate inside you. Take no money, and go as long as
your hearts desire. If you can, take the next ten years. If he asks you to marry
him, don’t let him see you cry. And if he doesn’t ask for your hand,
you have done wrong. Am I understood (Name of actress…)?
KARAOKE ANGEL#2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
Yes, Dorothy Margarita.
JOHNNY
I don’t want this.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Do her. Or I won’t help your girl.
(Silence.)
DOROTY MARGARITA
Doesn’t he have nice hair?
KARAOKE ANGEL#2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL)
It’s lovely hair.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
It’s longer than it used to be.
(House lights come up. KARAOKE ANGEL#2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL) takes Johnny by
the hand and leads him through the audience, leaving the building. This is not
theatrical. The house lights fade.)
DOROTHY MARGARITA
What are you looking at, Roscoe?
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
Forgive me. I should have gone to the parking lot.
DOROTHY MARGARITA
Yes. You should have.
(DOROTHY MARGARITA exits. A door opens in the floor of the stage. KARAOKE ANGEL
#3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK) climbs out of the door, takes a velvet rope, ties
it around her waist and throws the loose end into trapdoor. She then lights
a cigar with blowtorch as TRAVIS MCNULTY (THE SUBLIMINAL BOY), KARAOKE ANGEL
#1 (SHOTGUN BETTY), and THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER climb the rope one by one
out of the hole in the floor. Travis is now dressed similar to The Very Tall
Man. He is no longer a subliminal boy. Sally is dressed like a Karaoke Angel.)
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
The audience is still here. I thought they would vamoosed by now. Look at them
all. Like crooked teeth. In the mouth of monster devouring us all.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
I don’t like the audience. I don’t like it when people look at me.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
You’ll get used to it. I did. People are always looking at you, Travis.
It doesn’t matter if they are in the audience or jogging down the sidewalk.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
They are judging me.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Of course they are.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
They think they are better then me. They are smug.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
You will get used to it. It just takes time. It comes with the territory.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
The first time I realized people were looking at me, I sucked my thumb in the
corner by the door.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Did you cry?
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
I cry every night.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Are you sad?
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
I don’t think I can answer that question honestly anymore. Are you sad?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
I am not happy. But that all comes with the profession. Ms. Sally, do you like
your new clothes?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
They are clean. And that feels different. It’s nice to be in a new costume.
I feel taller.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
This is no new costume. This is a new identity. I am a grown man.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
That is because you had your cherry smashed.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
I can see the audience in a different way. I started noticing them in Utah.
I thought they were my friends, but now they look at me all wrong. They know
my secrets, don’t they?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Not all of our secrets. Just most. Travis, you aren’t talking funny no
more.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
I am a new man now. I am calm. How much do they know?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Only what they have seen.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
Stop looking at me. You don’t know me the way I know me.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
They haven’t seen enough of you, Travis. They only know you have a gun.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
The first time I ran away from home, I road my bike to Denver and slept behind
a trash bin behind a Best Buy. I packed my lunch the night before. A meat loaf
sandwich and a pack of M&M’s. The M&M’s melted and I had
to lick them off the wrapper. Did you know that?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
They do know.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Travis, the audience doesn’t know everything.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
Fine. Sally, you look lovely tonight. Like a girl in a magazine.
THE GHOST SALLY SINGER
Thank you, Travis. That was very kind of you. I ran away from home too, Travis.
When I was ten. After my mother died. I got about a hundred feet out the door
before my father shot his rifle in the air above my head. He tied me to the
toilet bowl for three days as punishment. And fed me nothing but coffee and
cucumbers.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
I never ran away from home.
KARAOKEANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Would you?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
You know I would. If the right person asked me to runaway with him.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
“That was very kind of you?” What does that mean? “That was
very kind of you.”
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
It means that was very kind of you. What you said to me.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
If you could runaway with “him” where would you go?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
I’ve always wanted to go to New Mexico. Land of Enchantment is on the
New Mexican license plate.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I am from New Mexico. You don’t want to go there.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
What’s wrong with the Land of Enchantment?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
The land is not enchanting. It’s nothing but sand covered with men who
think they own the earth.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
All men act like they own the earth.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
These men actually think they do.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
We do own the earth. And if we didn’t, we would all be caves. Do you think
I am not kind?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I think you are very kind. Except for your last comment.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
So I am not kind. You don’t think I am good person.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I think you are a nice person, Travis.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
A nice person but not a good person. Well, I think you are a nice piece of ass.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Why do you think men control the world, Travis?
TRAVIS MCNULTY
It’s not that we do, it’s that we should.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Then why “should” men control the world?
TRAVIS MCNULTY
Because we put up with too much shit. We say what we think, and we do what we
say. We don’t play games. We just do.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You get laid for the first time, and talk like Johnny.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
I get laid for the first time and I talk like a man.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
You most certainly do.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
Sally, I want to sleep with you. How would you like that?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I have never thought of it. And you are insulting.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
We just hiked across three states and you never looked at me and thought of
sleeping with me? I’m very good in bed, aren’t I?
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
A dynamo.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
Don’t mock me. You never once thought of us. Together.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Not once. And you are behaving like a child.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
Don’t call me a child.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Then stop acting like one.
(TRAVIS MCNULTY raises his gun.)
TRAVIS MCNULTY
You never look at me. You always look at Johnny, but you never look at me. But
you are looking at me now. I demand respect. I have dignity. I have a gun. I
have murdered people. What if I put my gun to your temple and make you have
sex with me.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE AGE JESUS FREAK)
Travis, put the gun down.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You are a God damned retard.
KARAOKE ANGLE #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Sally, please…
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You child. Haven’t you noticed I am already dead. I’m a ghost. An
apparition. What are you gonna do to me, Travis? Shoot me? Go ahead. Impress
yourself. Wow all the cute little things in the audience with how dangerous
you are. Put a bullet between my lungs. Put that damn thing to my head and threaten
to have sex with me. Why don’t you shoot me in the leg, so I can be in
pain and beg on my hands and knees for you to finish me off, for you to cut
me down. Go to the kitchen, Travis. Go to the kitchen and get a knife and cut
me from my cunt to my neck, gut me like a fish and my stomach can spill out
all over the stage and you…and you can feel all manly. But make me beg
first, Travis. Do whatever you want, but make me beg. That’s what a “man”
wants, isn’t it? To hear women beg and plead for attention. I’ve
seen this act everyday for as long as I can remember. You want to rape me, Travis?
You wanna rape and hurt me? You wanna do me right here in front of the audience?
Will that make you feel strong? Go ahead. Do me. Do whatever you want. Screw
me and put your last bullet in me. If you’re gonna do it, do it. Otherwise,
stop wasting my time.
KARAOKE ANGEL#3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
The time of pointing guns at Sally has ended, Travis
TRAVIS MCNULTY
When I’m in the fuckin’ room, it will always be the end. The end
of laws, the end of anything I want it to be. The only person who is honest
is me. I’m a straight, white, American man. I’m everyone’s
asshole and everyone will do as I tell them to. And I have
(TRAVIS MCNULTY Cont.)
the right to murder anyone I wish, anyone I choose. It’s my place on God’s
green earth to kill what I want, take what I will. I killed 41 classmates and
one geometry teacher in less than twenty minutes. Harris and Klebald were pussies
compared to me and my buddy Nicky. And Nicky did nothing. He just cried. I shot
his brains out in the library. And who is getting the credit? Not me, no sir.
I’m a death dealer, a supernatural being, and I can snap souls with a
pull of my finger. I like murdering people, Sally. It’s a good time. When
I murdered all my classmates, I couldn’t feel the audience looking down
on me, like the smug fucks they are. But I can feel them now. (Yelling at the
audience.) I’m a cowboy. A gangster. I demand respect.
KARAOKE ANGEL#3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
I respect you, Travis. Please put the gun down.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Don’t say “please” to him.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Where is the security? Where is The Very Tall Man?
TRAVIS MCNULTY
I am the security now. I’m the Tall Man.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
You told me you only killed one person in your school. You told me your partner
did all the mass killings. You told me your partner killed the geometry teacher.
You told me the only person you shot was the girl praying under the table in
the cafeteria.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
I say a lot of things. You could say, Sally, that I am man who lies. And it’s
my right to say whatever I want. I only have one bullet left in this thing.
And I think it is high time I use it.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
Travis…
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
There was no girl, was there? There was no girl under the table.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
How would I know? I was too busy killing my geometry teacher.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
I would like for you to leave me alone now. You’re very sick.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
Most people just talk about killing their geometry teacher. I act. You always
look at Johnny. You never look at me. Fuck Johnny. All he does is burn buildings.
I am one bad ass. I am the one who can show people Christ. All the kids at school
made fun of the way I talked. I’m talkin’ normal now. I demand to
be respected.
KARAOKE ANGEL#3 (THE TENAGE JESUS FREAK)
I respect you, Travis. Put the gun down.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
The archangels Michael and Gabriel told me I was to protect you. That it was
my new job. They said I was an angel now. They made me an angel because they
knew I could dish out justice. What do I get for protecting you? Nothing! Nothing.
Not even a good morning, Travis. All you do is drool over the drunk. When I
sneeze you never say “God bless you.” I just want to be loved. I
have love to give. But you don’t care. I’ve lost my virginity to
a whore when it should have been you. It was supposed to be you. I know it.
And now the audience is just looking at me. Like a child.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
No they aren’t. They are just waiting for the next song. Put the gun down,
we will go to our bedroom, remember our bedroom? And Sally will sing them a
song. Maybe a song about you. And they don’t have to look at you.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
I’m the one with the gun, Sally. Not him. I wonder, do dead girls bleed?
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
There’s only one way to find out.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Travis…
TRAVIS MCNULTY
I want to gun somebody down. I want respect.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Give me your best shot, Travis.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
No. You are just a dumb girl. I’ll give you one more chance. I will murder
an audience member. I will show them to look at me.
KARAOKE ANGEL#1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
No one in the audience is worth killing, Travis. Despite that fact, you are
clearly a very intelligent and clever man. I am certain that if you wanted revenge
on the audience that
(KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY) Cont.)
you could stalk them after the performance and you could strangle them in their
own beds.
KARAOKEANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
You could hang them with your belt.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Seeing as you only have one bullet left. That is probably the best option.
KARAOKE ANGEL #3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
The best option.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
No. I need to set an example. I need to set an example for all these fuckers.
The audience didn’t…hasn’t seen me kill. I am an artist, and
they need to understand that. I think I will off a person in the first row.
That way, they all have to walk over the dead body on their way to the bathroom.
DID YOU HEAR ME!
(Travis points the gun at Roscoe Truelock.)
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
I heard you. I am very impressed with you, Travis. Use the bullet on me.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
Kill you instead of an audience member? But they won’t have to walkover
you.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Look at me, not them. Do you want me to beg? Kill me if you have to kill someone,
but please don’t kill an audience member. I think being shot by you would
be nice. I respect you so much. Promise me you won’t hurt the audience.
Or, at the very least, the men in the audience.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
I’ve never killed someone as beautiful as you before.
KARAOKEANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Which is a very good reason to kill me and let the audience go. After all, they
paid to be here.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
You have a good point. You have a very good point. They all paid. Where do you
want my bullet?
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Anywhere but my eyes. Let me keep my eyes.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
Beg.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETT Y)
Please.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Don’t.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
Beg.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Please.
THE GHOST OF SALY SINGER
Stop.
KARAOKE ANGEL#3 (THE TEENAGE JESUS FREAK)
God, don’t do this.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
Again.
KARAOKE ANGEL #1 (SHOTGUN BETTY)
Please. Travis.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
I am going to shot you in the heart. I’m gonna plug you into the clouds.
I’m shaking. I’ve never had to think about killing before. I just
did it.
ROSCOE TRUELOCK
This isn’t part of the show!
TRAVIS MCNULTY
It is now!
(JOHNNY enters with KARAOKE ANGEL #2 (THE BROKEN COWGIRL))
JOHNNY
What’s going on here?
TRAVIS MCNULTY
Johnny. A gift from heaven. Why kill the whore, when I can make an example out
of you. The church burner the ghost of Sally Singer always looks at? I demand
respect.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
DON’T!
(TRAVIS MCNULTY points the gun at Johnny and shoots his one bullet. Nothing
happens. The main doors to the performance space opens with a boom as light
floods the audience, the playing space, and everyone in it. Enter THE DEVIL,
and his sidekick, THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS. The Devil is a small pretty
girl in a pink dress. Perhaps a tall thin man in a black tux. Perhaps a Zulu
warrior. Perhaps a Tibetan monk. Perhaps an Army General. Perhaps an Egyptian
prince. Perhaps an astronaut. Perhaps an anti-Semitic skin head wearing a t-shirt
that reads “God Hates Fags.” Perhaps a very, very, simple man. The
Ghost of Roberto Jenkins is dressed in suit similar to the one Travis is wearing.
In the first Big Malibu play, The Ghost of Roberto Jenkins had numerous body
parts removed. He is now whole again.)
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
That’s enough of this.
(The Costumer goes to the two newcomers and begins to measure them for new
costumes. But is stopped by The Ghost of Roberto Jenkins.)
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
That won’t be necessary. Travis put that weapon to the ground. It’s
filled with blanks anyways.
THE GHOST OF SALLY SINGER
Roberto Jenkins?
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Good evening, Sally. You look appetizing.
TRAVIS MCNULTY
Who are these people?
(DOROTHY MARGARITA enters via the hatch in the floor. One by one, each member
of the cast and crew takes the stage.)
DOROTHY MARGARITA
The talkative one is Roberto Jenkins. The master of disaster. The Devil’s
herald. We all know who the other is. Would you like a Sanka?
THE DEVIL
Not tonight.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
It is nice to see you again Dorothy. And you Sally, you’ve lost weight.
But you still look fine. How do you like my new jaw? When last we gazed upon
one another, your boyfriend, Danny, had removed it with a soupspoon, I think
it was.
THE GHOST SALLY SINGER
He cut your jaw off with a ladle. And Danny is not my boyfriend.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Right, just as Johnny is not your boyfriend. You must admit, the jaw is impressive.
Malibu has the plastic surgeons in the world. Now then, Travis, put the gun
to the floor. I will not repeat myself.
(TRAVIS MCNULTY places the gun on the floor.)
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
(To The Devil.) You were right. He is good at taking instructions. (To The Costumer.)
I like his costume, but I want it to look a little more like mine. Hop to it.
(The Costumer begins to alter Travis McNulty’s suit.)
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Now this is a mess and you know how The Devil feels about a mess. Everyone go
to the utility closet and grab a broom, a few sponges and chemicals. Angels
you take the ceiling. Everyone else, I want to be able to eat off this floor.
JOHNNY
Wait! I should be dead.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
Should be or wanna be? Johnny, you can’t die. Not now. Look at the audience.
You know how to put on one big fat show. People love that.
JOHNNY
But the gun went off.
THE GHOST OF ROBERTO JENKINS
The gun was full of blanks. The gun was always full of blanks.
TRAVIS MCNULTY