ACT
ONE
(New Mexico, between Santa Fe
and Albuquerque where the land turns from pine forest to desert. The sun is
setting in the background behind a volcano to the west of interstate 25. A simple clothesline is located
upstage. Two aluminum garden chairs are located down stage. A blue neon sign that reads vacancy hangs over the stage. UNCLE JIMMY, dressed in a used black leather jacket,
sits on the ground in front of the chairs. His right foot has no shoe and is
covered in a bloody bath towel. The sound of attack helicopters roar over the
scene. NAOMI enters. She has a basket
of laundry. She drops the basket into one of the empty aluminum chairs.)
NAOMI
I see you havenÕt been to a doctor
yet.
UNCLE
JIMMY
ItÕs no big deal. I zigged when I
should have zagged.
NAOMI
It looks bad this time.
UNCLE
JIMMY
IÕm sure IÕll live.
NAOMI
I cleaned the bathtub. And the
showerhead. And the sink. Either stay outside or at the very least make an
effort to hit the toilet. Speaking of toilets, Mr. Ash, in 3B...have you fixed
his toilet handle yet? IÕm wasting time by not doing it myself.
UNCLE
JIMMY
I fixed it this afternoon.
NAOMI
And what about the screen door you
kicked in three nights back?
UNCLE
JIMMY
I donÕt have to take your mouth, I
earn my keep here.
NAOMI
Yes. Cleaning the sinks. And
gutters. And changing the locks when someone forgets to turn in a key.
Smuggling tequila across the boarder is hardly earning a Òkeep.Ó Have you even
fixed my radio yet? You ÒpromisedÓ you would.
UNCLE
JIMMY
I put food in the kidÕs mouth, I
put books in her hands, I put shoes on her feet, I paid for her jean jacket...
NAOMI
(Interrupting) You kicked a hole in my screen door, you donÕt bring home
food. You bring home burnt tortillas, tortillas you steal from Mark Miller...
UNCLE
JIMMY
I do not steal those tortillas. I
have told you a dozen fucking times, Mark Miller gives those tortillas away
when he closes every night. He canÕt use them the next day. They go stale.
NAOMI
Yes. They go stale in my kitchen.
So the cockroaches have something else to eat.
UNCLE
JIMMY
Blah, blah, blah.
NAOMI
Go! Go to town and get smashed,
get hammered, destroy yourself. Just go, but donÕt you dare come back here
tonight and throw up all over the bathroom, like you have every night since you
came back.
UNCLE
JIMMY
I saw this cominÕ a mile away. You
know, itÕs none of your business where I go, what I do, who I fuck.
NAOMI
Jim, it is my business when you
are living under my roof.
UNCLE
JIMMY
I donÕt live under your roof. I
live under your porch, I sleep by your mailbox. My bed is by the road. I do not
live under your roof. I make a roof on a nightly basis. If you would give me
one of those vacant rooms we always have, then I would be living under your
roof. ItÕs not like anybodyÕs usinÕ half of those rooms. It ainÕt like you
canÕt spare the space.
NAOMI
IÕm not walking into one of my
motel rooms every morning and cleaning up your vomit and blood and piss.
UNCLE
JIMMY
IÕm not sayinÕ that. IÕm not
sayinÕ that, youÕre not listening to me. A room of my own. A place where I can
put my baseball cards. I will clean it. Every Sunday. IÕll get a vacuum sweeper
and a feather duster and all the chemicals. I will be the one who cleans it because it is my space. IÕll
even pay rent.
NAOMI
With your dirty money.
UNCLE
JIMMY
ItÕs still money. ItÕs more than you got. Give me a room. I can help with the bank. IÕll be thirty feet away from the trailer. You and the kid can come over for dinner every Tuesday night or Wednesday or whenever, because it will be my place and I will clean it myself and you never have to see my face unless you want to.
NAOMI
IÕll believe it when I see it.
UNCLE
JIMMY
My point! You have just made my
point! You have just made my point!
NAOMI
You make luck look easy, the way
you talk. No. No, you canÕt have one of my rooms.
UNCLE
JIMMY
Fine.
NAOMI
YouÕre just gonna lay in bed, and
drink, and watch cartoon network all day. Rope in an eager college coed that
youÕve sweet-talked with traveling stories, or bullshit, or whatever lies you
tell all the sorority girls to get their panties around their ankles. Just go.
Go drink yourself into the dirt.
UNCLE
JIMMY
Why do you think IÕm gonna drink?
NAOMI
Because you always do.
UNCLE
JIMMY
You know thatÕs not why I came
back.
NAOMI
No. You came back to show my
daughter how embarrassing her uncle is.
UNCLE
JIMMY
IÕm going to ArbyÕs. IÕm going to
ArbyÕs, and IÕm, going to get myself a roast beef sandwich and some curly
fries, and IÕm not going to eat dinner with you and the kid tonight.
NAOMI
Well, I am impressed youÕre
eating. You do it oh-so-much. Perhaps a little cuervo to wash it all down and
make the evening complete?
UNCLE
JIMMY
IÕm going to town to get a nice,
lean, roast beef sandwich and some curly fries and to get away from you. I am
going to town to get away from you. Just like the way Mack used to go to town
to get a sandwich. You know you used to be a blast. You used to go dancing and
talk trash and drink like a demon. I miss that girl. I miss that sister. The
kind of girl you are now, no wonder Mack left your sorry ass.
NAOMI
Watch your mouth.
UNCLE
JIMMY
Oh, you know itÕs true. YouÕre
just an impossible bitch. (Silence.) I didnÕt mean that.
NAOMI
You need to leave.
UNCLE
JIMMY
No. IÕm sorry, that was wrong of
me. I didnÕt mean that. Why donÕt I stay here tonight?
NAOMI
You need to go now. You need to
go.
UNCLE
JIMMY
Wait.
NAOMI
Go get drunk. I have rules. I have
rules and you, you need to go now. I have rules here.
UNCLE
JIMMY
Naw, IÕll stay in tonight. IÕll cook.
IÕll cook somethinÕ for you and the kid.
We havenÕt done that in awhile. IÕll make pizza. Remember, remember when
you and me used to make pizza when mom and dad would leave all day, when we
were kids, and weÕd make the Chef Boyardee pizza in a box. And sword fight with
cardboard wrapping paper tubes. You could take the night off and we could talk.
NAOMI
I said, you should go. And get
your roast beef sandwich. And your french fries.
UNCLE
JIMMY
Tell me what to say. Please.
NAOMI
YouÕre foot stinks. You need to
see a doctor.
UNCLE
JIMMY
I donÕt want to see a doctor.
NAOMI
Just go away.
( JELLY BEAN enters. She has a
backpack and a bag of groceries.)
JELLY
BEAN
Jimmy...you didnÕt go to the
doctor today. You said you would.
NAOMI
Your uncle was just leaving.
UNCLE
JIMMY
I was just going to hang the wash
up.
NAOMI
That would be nice.
JELLY
BEAN
IÕll help.
NAOMI
Do you have homework?
JELLY
BEAN
ItÕs Friday.
NAOMI
Answer me.
JELLY
BEAN
ItÕs Zozobra weekend. I donÕt even
have school on Monday.
NAOMI
Fine.
(NAOMI exits. JELLY BEAN starts to hang the wash to dry UNCLE JIMMY lays in the dirt.)
JELLY
BEAN
WhatÕs her problem?
UNCLE
JIMMY
Where are my smokes?
JELLY
BEAN
I didnÕt have enough money for
cigarettes.
UNCLE
JIMMY
Not enough money? I gave you
eighteen dollars, thatÕs enough to get casserole stuff and smokes.
JELLY
BEAN
The store was out of the blue
pack.
UNCLE
JIMMY
Then why didnÕt you get the
yellows?
JELLY
BEAN
You told me you canÕt taste the
yellows, thatÕs why you get blues.
UNCLE
JIMMY
I get the blues because itÕs a
fine cigarettes. No, you canÕt taste the yellows the way you taste the blues,
but you can still taste the yellows.
JELLY
BEAN
IÕm sorry.
UNCLE
JIMMY
ItÕs nothinÕ. I need to quit
anyways.
JELLY
BEAN
What happened with you and mom?
UNCLE
JIMMY
NothinÕ.
JELLY
BEAN
Your foot smells like cheese.
UNCLE
JIMMY
IÕm fine. ItÕs a little numb. You
look nice today. How was school?
JELLY
BEAN
Fine. Are you going to town
tonight?
UNCLE
JIMMY
I donÕt know. Probably.
JELLY
BEAN
That guy from Georgia, in 3B, he
asked me out. HeÕs going to Santa Fe tonight
UNCLE
JIMMY
Really?
JELLY
BEAN
Get to ride in his big white
Cadillac. He thinks IÕm eighteen.
UNCLE
JIMMY
YouÕre not.
JELLY
BEAN
I told him I have to ask my uncle.
UNCLE
JIMMY
Are you asking me? HeÕs twice your
age. Hell, he could be twice my age for all I know.
JELLY
BEAN
You sound like mom.
UNCLE
JIMMY
Fuck you.
JELLY
BEAN
DonÕt curse at me.
UNCLE
JIMMY
WhatÕd you get at the store if you
didnÕt get my smokes?
JELLY
BEAN
Corn, cheese, milk.
UNCLE
JIMMY
Put that stuff in the fridge
before it starts stinkinÕ.
JELLY
BEAN
I got a packet of Lipton noodles.
Mom said you liked those. Sour cream and cheddar. I was thinking I could cook
dinner and we could watch the sun go down. We could have a picnic right here,
and you can tell me stories about Europe. The noodles are ready to eat in eight
minutes.
UNCLE
JIMMY
Yeah, sure. You know, I donÕt eat
that much.
JELLY
BEAN
IÕve noticed. I donÕt like it.
UNCLE
JIMMY
Now youÕre starting to sound like
your mother.
JELLY
BEAN
Fuck you.
UNCLE
JIMMY
Watch your language.
JELLY
BEAN
Who was that girl you brought home
last night?
UNCLE
JIMMY
Nobody, just a girl I know. IÕll
stay here tonight.
JELLY
BEAN
Have you had any food today?
UNCLE
JIMMY
Do you have any change left from
that cash I gave you?
JELLY
BEAN
I thought I could keep the change.
UNCLE
JIMMY
How much?
JELLY
BEAN
Thirty seven cents.
UNCLE
JIMMY
Thirty seven cents? You blew
twenty bucks on casserole fixinÕs, but no smokes.
JELLY
BEAN
I got the noodles. Remember? I got
the noodles for you.
UNCLE
JIMMY
Give me my, no, forget it! Just
forget it. Piggy bank the change, youÕll be a millionaire before you hit forty.
JELLY
BEAN
Why are you mad at me?
UNCLE
JIMMY
IÕm not mad at you.
JELLY
BEAN
Yes you are. Do we have a date?
Will you stay home with me tonight?
UNCLE
JIMMY
I thought you were going to town
with the pervert.
JELLY
BEAN
I thought you said I was too
young.
UNCLE
JIMMY
You are.
JELLY
BEAN
Do we have a date then?
UNCLE
JIMMY
You gonna shave your arm pits.
JELLY
BEAN
I shaved this morning.
UNCLE
JIMMY
When? The bathtub was filled with
vomit this morning
JELLY
BEAN
I noticed. What were you eating
last night?
UNCLE
JIMMY
Just tortillas. The salesman is
too old.
JELLY
BEAN
I know. I was just playing with
you. Oh, and I got you your smokes.
(JELLY BEAN throws a pack of
cigarettes to Uncle Jimmy.)
JELLY
BEAN
So, itÕs a date? Tonight? Me and
you?
UNCLE
JIMMY
Yeah. Fine. ItÕs a date. I wonÕt
forget.
JELLY
BEAN
And youÕll eat.
UNCLE
JIMMY
Yeah.
JELLY
BEAN
Hey. You should have your foot
looked at.
(The roar of attack helicopters
over takes the scene.)
(In darkness.)
MR.
ASH
Fore!
(Lights up on MR. ASH and UNCLE
JIMMY. Mr. Ash shoots golf balls into the audience with a driving club. Uncle Jimmy, in noticeable pain,
smokes and utilizes the seven wedge as a cane. His foot is still rancid.)
MR.
ASH
Outstanding. The ball really flies
out here.
UNCLE
JIMMY
YouÕre a mile above sea level. The
airÕs thinner.
MR.
ASH
Those helicopters always fly
overhead?
UNCLE
JIMMY
Like clockwork. Fort Ben is a few
miles south. TheyÕre on maneuvers. You had these clubs long?
MR.
ASH
Brand new. I bought Ôem off a
sweet little number in purple leather pants at a Big 5 Sports when I was
driving through Amarillo. Wore that VictoriaÕs Secret perfume exotic dancers
put on. It makes me howl like a bulldog.
UNCLE
JIMMY
Does it?
MR. ASH
Mind if I make a personal inquiry?
I noticed your foot, friend...
UNCLE
JIMMY
I zigged when I should have
zagged.
MR.
ASH
Has a professional looked at that?
You best get a podiatrist to take a gander at that puppy before it goes south.
UNCLE
JIMMY
I donÕt like doctors.
MR.
ASH
Smells like that footÕs infected.
UNCLE
JIMMY
Is that your bulldog sense of
smell talkinÕ...friend?
MR.
ASH
IÕve had infections before. Trust
me, you want a professional looking at that Ôfore toes need to be cut off.
UNCLE
JIMMY
Is that what happened to your thumb?
MR.
ASH
My thumb? No. Sassy Liebermann.
Prom date my senior year of High School. We were waltzing in the back seat of
my Plymouth and she bit my thumb off, if you know what I mean and I bet you do.
UNCLE
JIMMY
No. I donÕt know what you mean.
You make a lot of shit up, donÕt you? Friend.
MR.
ASH
Fourth of July. I was sixteen. My
brother and I were throwinÕ firecrackers at one another. Back and forth, back
forth...boom! He threw a cherry bomb at my head. I tried to swat it away like a
bug. Boom. No more thumb.
UNCLE
JIMMY
Where you drinkinÕ?
MR.ASH
Fore! What makes you say that?
UNCLE
JIMMY
Just asking.